Exchanged Hearts
by A Case of You
Summary: OK, it might be a bit cliché, but we need something to entertain us while we're waiting for our fairytale ending for the McDeans, right? This is another story about Craig's return to the village. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

John Paul McQueen was standing in the kitchen. The clock was almost noon and he was still in his pajamas. When he awoke earlier that day and went to the bathroom, Zach was there. And then Zoë had cut in line. And then Jess had cut in line. And before John Paul knew it, Kris had locked the bathroom door behind him, and he just had to face it – it was a lost battle. No one, not even John Paul's elder sister Carmel, used more time in the bathroom than Kris. He had made himself a cup of coffee and was reading the newspaper when it occurred to him: this was a weird day. He couldn't exactly put his finger on it, but something was different. Was it something he forgot? Something he was supposed to do? John Paul couldn't figure it out.

The bathroom door opened and Kris entered the kitchen. He was wearing a small skirt, a white shirt and a purple scarf.

"Woha, someone's all dressed up!" John Paul said. "What's the occasion?"

"Don't need an occasion to look gorgeous, love – you should know that by now," Kris answered while checking his eyeliner in the reflection of a spoon. John Paul rolled his eyes and went for the bathroom.

It was February. It was nine months since the first time he and Craig slept together. It was eight months and nine days since the second time they shagged. It was seven months and twenty days since the first time Craig said that he loved him. It was five months and six days since Sarah Barnes had found out about the two of them. It was four months and 28 days since the heartbreaking moment when he left the airport and freed himself physically from Craig Dean. It was three months and two days since he shagged someone who wasn't his best mate. It was two weeks and four days since the last time he thought about Craig while jerking off in the shower. And it was a whole day, 24 hours, since he last thought about the other boy _at all_. In other words – today was the first day when the thought of Craig hadn't even occurred to him.

Someone up there must have a cruel sense of humour – the first day Craig wasn't present _in_ John Paul's mind he would actually reappear _outside _of it

_"If you're looking for the way out, this isn't it."_

_"What?"_

_"Weren't you supposed to leave last year?"_

_"Do I know you?"_

_"No idea."_

Craig Dean was standing on the airport, waiting for his suitcase to appear. The last five months hadn't changed his looks very much, only made him a bit thinner. He also had a more mature look in his eyes, something that made him less boy and more man. Being on this airport once again, awoke painful memories in Craig, he couldn't suppress them, and they just came tumbling down in his head.

It was nine months and two days since he realized that his feelings for his best mate weren't completely platonic. It was seven months and nineteen days since he and John Paul really made love for the first time. It was six months and 27 days since he broke John Paul's heart by going to Zante with Sarah without even telling his lover. It was five months and four days since he told Sarah that he wanted to be with John Paul, and not her. It was four months and 28 days since the heartbreaking moment when he chose not to kiss JP on the airport and lost him. It was three months since his first one night stand as a Dubliner. It was one week and five days since he last pictured John Paul while jerking of under the sheets. And it was 24 hours since he decided to go home for a while, back to Chester, back to Hollyoaks.

_"Don't leave me!"_

John Paul was walking through the gate in front of HCC when he spotted a light head in the crowd. He quickly hid behind the corner of the bike shed and hoped David hadn't seen him. David was a mistake John Paul had made three times; once in the toilet at some bar, once in an alley down town, and once in some bushes in the park. John Paul wasn't really the type to sleep around, not that he actually did, there hadn't been any others, but David was nothing more than a nice shag to him, and that made John Paul feel guilty. Especially because he knew that David was hoping for something more, something permanent and not just sexual.

He discretely looked around the corner of the shed to see if David had spotted him.

"Who are you hiding from?" it suddenly snapped behind him. He spun around and saw Katie looking at him with one eyebrow raised. He sighed relieved.

"What gives you the idea that I'm hiding?" he mumbled before peeping around the corner again.

Katie laughed and grabbed his arm. "He just went inside, John Paul, he's not here. Why can't you just tell him anyway?"

"I shouldn't have to!" John Paul answered grumpily as they started walking towards the building. "I haven't spoken to him in four weeks, I haven't texted him back one single time, I'm avoiding him all of the time – how long does it take to get the sodden message?!"

"I think he's in love," Katie teased. "Some people have that reaction after sex, you know."

"Don't start, ok? I'm already feeling guilty enough as it is."

"So put the poor lad out of his misery and tell him, you coward!"

John Paul stopped and looked her in the eye. "Katie?" he said strictly.

She rolled her eyes. "Ok, point taken. It's none of my business I guess."

They had reached their classroom and went inside.

John Paul couldn't concentrate. He wasn't like this. Not really. It wasn't like him to fuck somebody just for physical pleasure. But he had had enough of love – it was too complicated and too easy to get hurt.

_"Then you've made your choice, haven't you?"_

_"It's not about choice! __It's__ how I feel. It's__ different with you, it's… It's not just about the sex. _

_I love you."_

"Oh my GOD! My baby's back! Craigy is BACK!"

Craig had just entered the Dog and almost got the air knocked out of him when his mother flung herself into his arms. She hugged him so hard that he couldn't breathe.

"I can't believe you're back, Craigy!" she said holding him on arms length and studying him tenderly. "But you should have said something, given us a shout, love! Oh, you look so skinny. Better get some food into that body before you disappear completely. Oh, I'm so happy to see my baby again!" And she hugged him even harder than before. The costumers were looking at them curiously and Craig started to feel a little embarrassed. "Mom, "he said, breaking free from her embrace. "I've missed you too, but do you think we can do this upstairs?"

She was about to answer him when Jack and Steph entered. And then he had it going for about half an hour.

Later, while upstairs unpacking, his mother came to see him. "Are you back for him?" she simply asked.

"Who?" Craig asked distractedly, but he knew it was silly. They both knew who Frankie was talking about.

"Don't be silly, love."

"I don't know." That was the truth. Craig didn't know how he felt. He had spend the last months convincing himself that the whole thing with John Paul had just been a phase and he'd done it so well that he almost believed it. He looked at his mother. "But I don't think so, mum."

Frankie didn't try to cover how relieved she was, just walked back into the living room, her shoulders sinking for the first time in months.

_"__You've had your chance with me."_

_"What? So you're over me?"_

_"I'm not playing along anymore. So you just leave me out of things in the future, all right?"_

What the hell was wrong with everybody? John Paul sat in the kitchen, trying to get his head around an assignment but had difficulties concentrating. Every one of his flat mates was acting all funny. It was like they all tiptoed around him and none of them looked him in the eye. Jess and Zöe seemed to have a whispering conversation that concerned him; they kept throwing glances in his direction. Zach tried to act natural but failed completely. He wandered restless around the room telling strange jokes, looking stressed. Kris was the only one who acted as he normally did. He sat across the table from John Paul, filing his nails.

"Well, how do you think he will react? I mean is it better to just –" Jess said with what she thought was a low tone of voice, while casting another glance at John Paul.

He had had enough. "Excuse me, but are you chatting about me?" he asked, annoyed.

The girls became quiet. "No…" Jess denied, but Kris interrupted her: "Jess darling, discretion has never been something you handled very well."

Zach was sweating. "I think I'm going for a drink," he mumbled. "Certainly don't wanna be around her now," he added thinking that no one heard him.

"Wait a minute!" John Paul said, and Zach stopped on his way towards the door. Everyone stared at him. "I get the impression that everyone here knows something that concerns me, and I'm of course the last idiot to know as always. What the hell is going on?"

"Well…"

"Um…"

"Look mate…"

The girls and Zach were fidgeting, all starting to talk in the same time. John Paul looked helpless at the boy on the other side of the table. "Kris?"

"Craig's back," the blonde simply answered. "I don't understand how you managed to miss that one," he added. "Everyone knows."

"OK, I'm definitely going out now," Zach said and short after, the door shut behind him.

John Paul couldn't speak. His mind went completely blank for a second. Craig was back. Craig was back in Hollyoaks. Craig was a five minutes' walk away.

His heart was racing and he started sweating.

"John Paul? You okay?" Jess asked. The girls had come over to the table where he and Kris sat, and they all looked at him, concerned.

"Um… I… Is he…" John Paul stuttered. A lot of thoughts were tumbling together inside of his mind. The last time he saw Craig was one of the worst moments in his life. His brown eyes had been filled with tears, he looked so scared and little and alone. As John Paul turned and walked away, he thought he could hear Craig's voice begging him not to leave him. Thinking about it made John Paul's stomach hurt with guilt. But that wasn't the only thing he felt. He felt like sixteen again, when he first had fell for Craig. His palms were sweaty and his heart beat so loudly, he was sure that the other tree could hear it. The third thing he felt was confusion. Why would Craig come back now? He hadn't even returned for Christmas! John Paul found himself lost in his own thoughts. _Oh, my God, what am I going to do if I see him? What am I going to say? What will I wear? Oh, my God, maybe he doesn't even want to see me? And –_

His thoughts were interrupted by the door opening and Darren's voice.

"Hey! Look what I brought! Some cat must've dragged it into town."

When John Paul looked up he only saw Craig's rich brown eyes, staring back at him.

_"Look, I don't __wanna__ argue with you, John Paul. It works, doesn't it? If we keep it to ourselves, no one gets hurt."_

_"And what about me?__ Have you any __idea what it does to me__ watching you with Sarah, all over each other?"_

_"Doesn't mean we have to stop seeing each other."_

_"You're kidding yourself if you think I'm __gonna__ live my life like that."__"Think about it."__"You think about it!"_

Craig was surprised he hadn't regretted his return sooner, before Darren popped in. He was sitting on his bed, listening to music, when his stepbrother opened the door.

"Well, look at this! Came crawling back to mummy, did you?" Darren laughed.

"I needed some time off, okay?" Craig said, rolling his eyes. How was it possible for Darren to get on his nerves within seconds?

"Ah, right. Come to win loverboy's heart, have you?"

"Is he here?" Craig said a bit too quickly, and he could have punched himself. It wasn't like he was _that_ into seeing John Paul again.

Darren of course didn't let his slip pass unnoticed. "Oooohhh, so we're gay after all, then?"

"No," Craig stated. "And I haven't come to see him – like I said, I needed a vacation." He didn't even believe it, himself. Of course he wanted to see his mate again. But just as mates. Right?

"Anyway," Darren said. "I'm having some people over later. We're gonna do a little drinking, a little partying, you know. Well, of course you know, you're a _student_ now."

Craig avoided his eye. Truth was, he hadn't really had too many nights out after he moved to Dublin. The city wasn't what he'd expected. He mostly sat in his flat, feeling pathetic. And after his first night out… Well, once burned.

"Hey, mate, are you listening?"

Craig looked up and realized that he'd been in his own world a little too long. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Do you wanna come?" Darren asked impatiently.

"Yeah, yeah, why not?" He could use a little fun.

"Be ready in an hour," Darren said and turned to leave. "And Craig?"

"Yeah?"

"Nice having you home, baby brother."

Craig did some more unpacking and tried not to think about his blue eyed ex-lover and mate. They had been in this room a lot of times, both before and after their relationship became sexual. One time they had watched like five movies in a row. Another time Craig hadn't been able to control himself, and he had shagged John Paul on his bed while the pub downstairs was filled with costumers. They had been lying in his bed when Jack came barging in. Craig smiled when he remembered how John Paul had hid under the sheets, misleading Jack to think that he was actually Sarah. My God, JP had been nothing but nice and kind and lovely during the whole heartbreaking situation! And Craig had been a coward as usual, always running away.

He shook his head. _No more thinking of him,_ he told himself. _Those feelings are gone, that confusing __time__ is over._

Half an hour later he met Darren downstairs and they headed off. It was nice being around his older brother again and Craig felt himself relaxing. It seemed like his relationship with Zöe had changed Darren in a way, he was more mature and less sadistic, Craig thought, and looked at Darren while he turned his key. Darren cast him a glance over the shoulder before he opened the door.

"Got a surprise for you, Craigy," he said and stepped inside. Craig followed.

And there he was – the boy who had once stolen his heart. The eyes of John Paul McQueen met his. When Craig looked into those wonderful blue pools he realized that his heart still hadn't been returned.

_"Craig… Don't –"_

_"I can't stop thinking about you."_

_"Craig… Craig -!"_

_"I want you!"_

The whole flat turned quiet. Zöe was the first to speak. "Darren!" she shouted.

"What?" Darren asked when he heard her tone of voice. "Can't I bring guests, now?"

"Well, maybe you should've given _someone_ a certain shout!" Jess said while trying to nod discreetly towards John Paul, who still hadn't broken his eye contact with Craig.

The girls kept arguing with Darren. Kris was obviously the only one with his head straight.

"Listen ladies, Darren – let's take this down on the pub."

"But Kris -!" Jess protested.

"_Now,_ Jess!" he said grabbing her coat and handed it to her.

Darren was the last one to disappear. "I'll leave you two loverboys alone," he said teasing, before the door shut behind him. John Paul wished he hadn't said that. Darren's remark, made Craig look away, embarrassed. His eyes were flashing uncertain and he seemed much occupied by his feet when he finally spoke. "I… I didn't know that you had moved in with these guys."

"Oh, that's a long time ago." John Paul couldn't take his eyes of the boy standing in front of him. Craig hadn't really changed. He was a bit thinner, John Paul noticed. And there was something in his eyes – a look that made him look older than his 19 years. But right now, Craig looked exactly as he had done during the first weeks after they'd slept together for the first time, both scared and uncomfortable.

"So, eh… How've you been?"

"Fine," John Paul answered. "You?"

"Yeah, well… Dublin's ok. Wasn't all I had expected but you know, few things are."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. I'd never thought that I would actually miss mum and my sisters when I finally got out of that nuthouse."

"You do?"

"Yeah, can you believe that?"

They were laughing now, and some of the weirdness was gone. Suddenly they were talking like they did before everything got so complicated, before they slept together, before they kissed, before John Paul told Craig he was in love with him.

It felt good, John Paul thought. Of course he couldn't ignore the fact that Craig still had the same effect on him. His palms were almost dripping, his heart still beat slightly faster than normal and every time Craig's eyes met his, he could feel swans in his stomach. But having his best mate back again was the most positive thing that had happened to him in a long while.

_"I love you, John Paul. It'll always be me and you."_

Several hours had passed and they had finished a couple of beers John Paul had gotten from the refrigerator. None of the flat's other residents had returned. It was nice just sitting here, talking to his best mate, Craig thought. But they weren't just friends. They had a past together that was so much more. Craig had thought it had just been a phase, or at least he had tried to think so. But as he sat there watching John Paul talking about some teacher, he was also so terribly aware of his mate's presence. He could smell him – John Paul still used the same aftershave, he realized – and if he reached out across the table he could touch him. The blonde DJ hadn't changed much. His hair had the same length and the blue eyes were just as soft as Craig remembered. But there was one more thing: John Paul had been working out. Craig couldn't help but stare at those strong, muscular arms under the t-shirt. Those arms and hands had done some pretty wicked things to him once. He felt himself blushing.

"Hey mate, are you awake?"

Craig was snapped back to reality by John Paul's question. Their eyes met and though he knew he was supposed to answer he couldn't speak. John Paul was just so God damn sexy! _I want you,_ Craig thought, but he couldn't get himself to actually say it. The silence was starting to get awkward when he finally managed to pull himself together.

"Um, I guess I'm just a little jetlagged," he mumbled, forcing his eyes to look anywhere but John Paul.

"Yeah, must've been a long day," John Paul said.

Craig nodded. Then he looked around the living room and kitchen one more time.

"I have to say, you really manage to keep this place tidy! I mean, my flat in Dublin looks like hell, clothes and books and CD's scattered all over the place. Do you have any tips, mate?"

John Paul laughed. "Move in with a couple of girls! I mean, I'm not so much better than you, I think."

He got up and gave Craig a sign to follow him. They went down the hall until they came to the door that had JP's name on it. "But I don't know, what do _you_ think?" he asked as he opened the door and turned on the lights.

Craig stepped inside. It looked a lot like John Paul's old room, except that the walls were blue and they had fewer posters on them. He laughed. _This_ was John Paul's definition of untidy? A couple of jeans and three CDs on the floor? He turned and looked at his mate. "JP, this is heaven compared to my place." He didn't just mean the tidiness. The room was just so warm and light and happy. And it was consumed by John Paul. And John Paul was heaven.

_I need you,_ Craig thought.

But instead of telling him, he just wandered around the room, looking at pictures. "Is this Warren's sister?" he asked, and pointed at a picture of John Paul and a pretty, brown eyed girl.

John Paul left his place in the doorway and came over to him.

"Yeah, but she's nothing like him though," he answered. "She sort of became my best friend after…" The words died on his lips.

Craig looked at him. The night had been great, mostly because they had avoided talking about the pink elephant in the room. They hadn't talked about how things were left between them in September at all. It almost seemed like it was an unspoken understanding – _let's not talk about it._ This was the first time it had been brought up. They were standing close now, so close that they could feel the heat from each other's bodies. The relaxed tone was gone and all that was left was a sexual tension sparkling between them. Craig's eyes were fixed on those silky lips that he hadn't kissed for so long. His whole body was aching with a sudden lust. _How could I __believe that this was a phase?_ he thought. _I love him. He's the only one I've ever loved._ He was fighting an inner battle. One part of him wanted to take John Paul to bed and make love to him, feel his bare flesh against his own, hearing him moan and then fall asleep in his arms afterwards. But another part was terrified. Yes, he loved John Paul and he wanted more than anything to be with him, but at the same time he didn't trust himself. And if he hadn't already lost the boy standing in front of him he certainly would if he hurt him one more time. And Craig couldn't be sure that he wouldn't cause any more pain. The doubt and the fair of other people's opinions had always haunted him, one way or another. It was so easy to forget everything when he was lying in the strong and beautiful arms of John Paul McQueen, but life had at least taught him one thing: sooner or later, reality was always checking in.

_"I want people to know, Craig!"_

_"Not a chance."_

_"Why?!__ We sleep together –"_

_"Keep your voice down!"_

_" –__ w__e're practically a couple, so why shouldn't people know__?!"_

_"Because I don't want __them__ to go around thinking that I'm –"_

_"Oh, right, I'm not gay, I'm just sleeping with a __fella_ _that is. It's pathetic! Just __be__ honest Craig, if not with me, than with yourself!"_

_"I'm not gay."_

_"FINE!__ Then forget It! Forget about me, forget about everything!"_

The fear was shining through Craig's eyes. John Paul didn't have a hard time figuring that out. It seemed like he once again was torn between his feelings. They hadn't talked about their earlier relationship at all that night, and still John Paul guessed that Craig had spent the last months in Dublin, denying the whole thing. But it was clear that their feelings hadn't faded, they were just as strong, if not stronger. It took all of John Paul's willpower not to take Craig in his arms. He wanted so badly to push him towards the bed and climb on top of him and kiss him and touch him and he knew that Craig wouldn't deny him all this if he just took the first step. But he couldn't. It would have to be Craig's decision. John Paul lost himself completely in those brown eyes when Craig finally looked up. They hadn't spoken a word for several minutes, yet it seemed like they had shared more in this short space of time than they had during the whole evening. _I love you,_ John Paul thought. _And I know you love me too; I can see it in your eyes._

His heart was jumping when Craig smiled. He smiled that special smile of his, the one that was always on his face when a naked John Paul lay in bed next to him, ready for his touch. John Paul remembered that smile so well; Craig looked like he had never seen anything more beautiful than him. And finally, _finally,_ Craig raised his hand and touched John Paul's face like he always did right before they kissed. His face was coming closer…

"Hey loverboys, are you in here? Oh, sorry!" John Paul had never wanted to hit someone more than he wanted to hit Darren just then. He was standing in the door looking at the two of them with his eyebrows raised and a cunning smile on his lips. Craig had of course withdrawn his hand and was now dragging it through his own hair, staring at his own feet. The sudden interruption had made him crawl back into his shell.

The spell was broken and it would be hard to mend it. John Paul knew this.

"Um, I better go," Craig mumbled and left the room, bumping into his stepbrother on his way. Seconds after, they could hear the front door close.

John Paul looked at Darren, feeling the need to strangle him. "You're such an idiot," he stated and slammed the door in his face.


	2. Chapter 2

Craig Dean was lying in his bed. It was 3 o'clock in the morning and he hadn't slept for a single second. His head was overloaded with thoughts and his body was about to burst with emotions. Confusion, anger, desire, lust, love and hate all tumbled together inside his stomach. And he felt exhausted. Keeping all of his feelings down took a lot of energy, and he felt like he didn't have any more of it left. Seeing John Paul again hade awoken something in Craig, something he had fought hard to throw away. It wasn't just the fact that he loved the boy so much that his heart ached. It was the fact that he actually preferred to go to bed with men.

_**It was his first night out in the capital. He had gone to a pub with some of his new classmates. **_

Craig closed his eyes, didn't want to think about that night.

**_He couldn't ignore him. He tried, but he couldn't._**

_The little he had left of energy left his body. The memory consumed him._

**_He was taller than Craig and he was dark haired. His eyes were green and his body muscular and strong. He smelled like cinnamon. He had a deep voice. He had taken Craig by the hand. He had led him a couple of blocks away. _**

_Craig closed his eyes so tightly he saw white spots._

**_He had removed Craig's jeans. He had unzipped his own. He had turned him against the wall…_**

_The tears were soaking his pillow. He tried to keep the sobbing down; the last thing he wanted was his mother or Jack coming in to his room. Craig had known all along, since he first laid eyes on the stranger, what would happen. He didn't remember the man's name and he didn't remember very much of their intimate moment. But he remembered enough: he had accepted and he had enjoyed it. And that could only mean one thing – he wasn't just a straight guy who had accidentally fallen in love with his best mate._

_He. Was. Gay._

_And with this realization he finally fell asleep._

_Truth been told I've tried my best_

_But somewhere along the way_

_I got caught up in all there was to offer_

_And the cost was so much more than I could bear_

_John Paul McQueen was standing in front of the mirror, staring into his own face. He didn't know how long he had been doing so, but it was long enough for Kris to knock impatiently on the door for the fifth time. And for the fifth time, John Paul ignored it. The first thing he thought about that morning was Craig. He thought about him while having his breakfast, while showering, while shaving and he thought about him right now, as he stared into his own eyes. Seeing Craig again had awoken something in John Paul, something he thought was gone. Yesterday's thoughts about how depressing love was had been swept away from his mind; he didn't care. Craig was back in his life and Craig still loved him. And once again Craig was struggling and the battle was inside him. If Craig knew how much John Paul could figure out just by looking him in the eye, he would probably keep them shut when they were in the same room. John Paul had seen in those brown eyes, all of the emotions fighting for space: confusion, anger, desire, lust, love and hate, all tumbling together. He wondered how it was possible for Craig to harbor all these feelings inside that little, thin body. But Craig was going to surrender. He had to; John Paul wouldn't allow him anything else._

_When Kris knocked for the sixth time accompanied by a shouting Darren who threatened to kick the sodden door open, John Paul finally finished and unlocked._

_"I hope you haven't played your fiddle in there," Darren said grumpily._

_"Darren, for God's sake!" Zöe said, slapping him on the arm on her way to the kitchen._

_John Paul ignored him. He was still bitter about the night before. Maybe the battle would have been won by now, if it wasn't for Darren's stupid interruption._

_He was putting on a clean shirt when Jess came to see him._

_"Don't pay any attention to Darren, JP – you know he's no good in the mornings."_

_"Yeah, I know," John Paul answered distractedly._

_"You okay?"_

_John Paul smiled at her. In the beginning he had mistaken Jess for a self absorbed snob, but she always turned out to be a great friend. And he had to ease his mind to someone._

_"He's back, Jess. The love of my life is back. And he has this inner battle and I know that I will have to be strong for the both of us, because I can't let go of him, not again. And I don't mind hiding away for the rest of my life if that's what it takes. The two of us, we're…" He paused for a second._

_"We're meant to be."_

_Jess stared at him. "Wow, John Paul… That's…"_

_"You think I'm pathetic, hum?" John Paul laughed bitterly. "In the end, no matter how much we fight or hurt each other, no matter how uncertain we are, it all boils down to the fact that… I love him."_

_"I don't think you're pathetic, John Paul. I saw the way you boys looked at one another yesterday and it seems like you have some sort of connection that makes the whole world go away."_

_"Yeah. We do."_

_"But still, I think you're better John Paul. You're a great guy, you're smart and funny and gorgeous, and I just think that the person that gets to be with you should not be ashamed to show you of, to brag about your love."_

_How can I help you_

_Please let me try to_

_I can heal the pain_

_That you're feeling inside_

_Whenever you want me_

_You know that I will be_

_Waiting for the day _

_That you say you'll be mine_

_Craig awoke and felt rested. He had only slept for four hours so the calmness he felt had nothing to do with sleep. Having opened his dark closet and let the feelings release themselves from their chains and wash over him made him feel like he had his feet on the ground for the first time in months. He knew who he was and the knowledge of that had finally put his mind at ease. He got dressed and headed out in the kitchen with a huge grin on his face. He saw his reflection in the kitchen window while he made himself a cup of tea and noticed that the smile actually reached his eyes and made him look… Healthy. Happy._

_Now he just had to find John Paul and tell him. Tell him that he was ready, that he loved him, and that he wanted to be with him. Craig was practicing different ways to start the conversation in his head, when someone entered the kitchen._

_"Hi, baby brother!" Jake said. "Woha! Someone's grown!"_

_Craig turned around to face his older brother. Jake actually looked pleased to see him and that surprised Craig. They almost hadn't spoken since he moved to Dublin. And the last conversation they'd had face to face, wasn't really a pleasant one, even though Jake sort of had accepted him and John Paul. But he returned the smile. "Shut up, Jake. I've been a grown man for ages!"_

_"Yeah right," Jake said and pulled him close for a hug. "It's good to have you back, mate. In every way there is."_

_Craig wondered what that last line was supposed to mean. Were there more ways of having him back than one? He didn't have to ask._

_"You know, the whole John Paul-thing, Craig. We all knew that you weren't like that, and it's a good thing that it didn't work out, really – you must not let people mess around with your head, mate! But I guess you've learnt that by now," Jake said and gave him a friendly punch in the shoulder. Craig didn't answer. He was too shocked. What the hell?_

_Jake continued. "Yeah, and I know that it took a lot of courage coming back here and just so you know – I won't let anyone say something that's not true about you. But it'll be okay. Most people understand."_

_"Understand what?" Craig finally managed to ask._

_Jake looked at him like he would look at someone really slow._

_"Don't worry, baby brother!" he then said and drew him close, like a confidant. "We all know how the McQueens are like, you know. They have this way of getting under your skin, and not in a good way. I mean, just look at Russ, eh? What I'm trying to say, Craig, is that no one around here thinks that you're…gay. We know that's not who you are!"_

_Craig's tongue was locked again. He simply couldn't believe what he heard._

_"I'm just so glad that you're back, you know!" Jake said enthusiastically. His eyes were sparkling and he looked at Craig like he had looked at him back when he still was with Sarah and no one knew about him and John Paul. He looked like he was proud of him again._

_Jake got serious. "There was a time I thought I'd lost you, you know, that I didn't know you anymore, but I know now that the whole thing was a stupid teen phase and I'm sorry that I've kept my distance – I only wanted to give you time to figure out what the rest of us already knew, you know."_

_No, I don't knowCraig thought._

_Jake looked at his watch. "Ai! I'm sorry, I have to run. I promised to meet Charlie and Nance in the park like fifteen minutes ago." He was about to leave when he turned to Craig one more time._

_"And remember, Craig – I'm here for you. No one's gonna mess with my baby brother's head again! I love you."_

_And he left. Craig heard him making his way downstairs. Standing in the kitchen, watching his brother leave the pub and head of towards the park through the window, he silently opened his inner closet and shoved all his feelings back inside of it, where they belonged._

_Oh, the state of elation that this unison of hearts achieved_

_I had seen, I had touched, I had tasted and I truly believed_

_That the light of my life_

_Would tear a hole right through each cloud that scudded by_

_Just to beam on you and I_

_John Paul went grocery shopping and was standing by the magazines when he heard a familiar voice._

_"Hi JP! I Thought you had died, mister!"_

_"Shit," John Paul mumbled before turning to face David. "Why's that?" he asked, forcing a smile._

_"Well, duh! I've send you like twenty messages this week, and you mister, haven't answered one single time."_

_He started searching his mind for a good reason. He went with the usual. "Yeah, sorry. My cell's broken."_

_David rolled his eyes in an irritating feminine way. "Then get it fixed, silly! It's been broken forever now."_

_John Paul started to wonder just what kind of effect alcohol had on him, since he found this boy attractive just after a few beers. David wasn't ugly or anything. He had blonde, untidy hair and big, beautiful brown eyes (they were a little lighter shade than those of Craig, though) and he had a nice body. But he had a squeaky and irritating little personality and he always looked at John Paul in a sort of trusting and naïve and just plain dumb way. When sober, John Paul thought that he'd found the boy more attractive if he was actually straight. David was way too feminine for his own good._

_"So, Mr. McQueen, do you have any plans for the evening?"_

_"Yeah, um… Got to study."_

_"Ooohh, maybe I can help you? We can be study-friends!" David blinked his eye._

_If there is a God, he must really hate me a lot more than he hates other homosexuals, John Paul thought._

_"No, I don't need any help, but thanks."_

_"Then call me during the week, or else I'll come and kidnap you, mister!"_

_And before John Paul knew it, David had moved up close to him and kissed him on his cheek while grabbing his ass, before disappearing._

_My God, is he for real?! He started casting glances around to see if anyone he knew had noticed. His eyes caught Craig who was standing by the pasta, looking really, really angry._

_Since you left me, if you've seen me with another guy_

_Looking like I'm having fun_

_All though he might be cute_

_He's just a substitute_

_Because you're the permanent one_

_Craig was in Drive'n Buy doing some shopping for his mum, when he spotted them. The other guy was small and blonde he noticed, and he had a feminine way of speaking – he actually sounded a bit like Steph. If it wasn't for the jealousy bubbling in his stomach, Craig would probably have noticed that John Paul looked slightly uncomfortable, but all he could think about was how his mate could have gone from Craig to that. Calm down, he told himself. Maybe they're just mates. But then he saw the blonde guy kissing JP. He saw the very indiscreetly ass-grabbing as well, and all he wanted to do was to go over there and tell the stupid blonde to get his sodden hands of his…_

_No. He had decided that he and John Paul couldn't be. He couldn't do it, couldn't stand the thought of how disappointed everyone would get again, he had barely survived it the last time. And he fancied girls, of course he did! And if John Paul had a boyfriend – he clenched his teeth so hard it hurt just by the thought of it – things would be easier. Yes, they would!_

_Craig had been so caught up in his own mind he hadn't noticed John Paul's staring at him. His heart jumped by the sight of those clear blue eyes and he tried to calm down as he approached him._

_"Hey, John Paul," he heard himself saying with a disgusting forced cheerfulness._

_"Hi, um…" John Paul answered, obviously trying to find some sort of explanation to what Craig had just seen. Yeah, you better explain, Craig thought. Explain to me what the HELL you are doing with such a looser. But out loud he simply said while ignoring the hurt: "So, um, was that your boyfriend?"_

_John Paul was opening his mouth to answer, but Craig interrupted him. "Because if he is, um, you should introduce us, you know." It was best to get it over with, but God, how it smashed his heart to think about JP with another guy, a guy that wasn't him._

_John Paul wrinkled his for head, looking confused. "What?" he asked._

_"We're mates, aren't we?" Craig said, forcing a laugh. "You shouldn't be embarrassed to tell me about your boyfriends, mate! Honestly, I don't mind."_

_Didn't mind?! Of course he did! He wanted to be the one to kiss John Paul in the supermarket, pinching his butt, laughing with him._

_Craig felt that his mask was about to slip. He was not far from bursting into tears. He had to get out._

_"Craig? What is –"_

_"See you around," Craig interrupted, pushing his way past him and running to the door. He had to get away before John Paul figured it all out. He had to get out now._

_He was hurrying down the street, when someone grabbed his shoulder and pulled him into an alleyway. Craig hadn't even noticed that John Paul had followed him outside. Now he stood there looking at him with confusion and anger in his eyes._

_"Craig? What the hell was that all about?!"_

_It took all of Craig's strength not to fling himself into the boy's arms, crying all of his sorrows out. "I… I just thought it would be nice, you know… I mean, we are mates, right?"_

_"Craig, have you had one of those blackouts of yours again?" John Paul said, sounding tired. "You do remember last night, right?"_

_Craig flashed his eyes. "Yeah, of course I do, it was nice hanging with my mate again."_

_"Can you just stop saying 'mate' in every single sentence?" John Paul said and stepped closer to him. Craig backed away, but the alleyway was too narrow and soon he stood with his back pressed against the wall, being unable to escape from John Paul's closeness. "What do you think would have happened, if Darren hadn't showed?" John Paul asked. His breath felt hot against Craig's cheek._

_He tried not to let the effect John Paul had on his body and mind distract him. "What?" he whispered. "Nothing would have happened!"_

_John Paul slammed his hand in the wall, right next to Craig's head. "DON'T play games!"_

_Craig couldn't pretend anymore. "Look, John Paul, it… It doesn't matter, all right?"_

_"What do you mean, doesn't matter?"_

_"I just can't. I'm sorry, I just can't."_

_"Can't what?" John Paul had calmed down, but now he was making things very difficult._

_"I can't…" Craig started, feeling the tears running down his cheeks. "I can't do this again."_

_John Paul didn't look sorry or hurt, like Craig had expected him to. He just watched him, slightly amused. "I know you love me, Craig Dean. I know you want to be with me. I can see it in your eyes. So, are you gonna tell me what the problem is, or what?"_

_The tears kept running. Craig couldn't speak. John Paul saw right through him and he felt relieved in a way. But it frightened him as well, because that just made him love the blonde DJ even more. And he couldn't do this again. Jake's words echoed through his mind: I'm just so glad that you're back, you know… I love you!_

_"No?" John Paul asked when Craig didn't say anything. "Well, you're crying so something is obviously hurting you." He placed his hands on the wall on each side of Craig. Then he whispered: "Let me kiss it better…"_

_His mouth felt hot, and when Craig tasted the unique sweetness of John Paul, he let all of his defenses down and opened his mouth allowing John Paul to explore him with his tongue. He had forgotten how good John Paul was when it came to kissing. What started as a careful kiss became a passionate embrace when Craig flung his arms around the other boy and pressed their bodies together. He felt so alive being with John Paul, so absolutely present. Their tongues were playing an erotic game when John Paul let his hand slide down his stomach, easing his hand inside Craig's trousers and…oh my god…touching his most sensitive spot. If Craig didn't end the embrace now, he would end up doing John Paul right there and then. He broke loose from his mate's arms. They were both panting and just like Craig's, John Paul's eyes were filled with lust. "Who are you kidding, Craig? You want me. Just as much as I want you. Why can't you just let yourself –"_

_"Don't," Craig said, his voice shaking. The tears started flooding again._

_"What?" John Paul asked and reached out for him._

_Craig backed out of the alleyway. If John Paul touched him, he wouldn't be able to hold it anymore._

_"Just… Don't," he said, and with a sob, he left the man he loved._

_I can't feel the things that cause you pain_

_I can't clear my heart of your love it falls like rain_

_Ain't the same_

_I hear you calling far away_

_Tearing through my soul I just can't take another day_

**Author's note: Thanks for reviewing my story, guys! Please do the same with this chapter if you want me to continue.**


	3. Chapter 3

John Paul McQueen had been hitting the punching bag for the last hour. He had a rage inside him that seemed to refuse to go away no matter how hard his punches were. The fact that he couldn't exactly point his finger on why he was so angry upset him even more. Craig Dean making emotional u-turns wasn't something John Paul was unfamiliar with. Stolen kisses in an alleyway weren't a new thing either. And he had gotten used to having the brown eyed boy occupying every corner of his mind all of the time, a long time ago. So he didn't understand why he had hot coal smouldering in his stomach _now_. He had been through this before.

John Paul threw himself at the bag and embraced it. Maybe he was so angry because he suddenly found himself back in the same Craig-circle. Or maybe he was angry because he actually had managed to convince himself he had ever left it. He didn't know. What was frustrating was that this situation, the conversation he'd had with Craig that day, was so similar to earlier situations and conversations and yet _so different._ Craig hadn't denied his love, he hadn't even denied his sexuality and when they kissed – John Paul got hot just thinking about it – the passion had been genuine and stronger than ever. And still Craig said that he couldn't. John Paul shook his head. No, he really couldn't get his head around it. As far as he knew, his mate didn't have a new girlfriend, so that wasn't it. And his family – well, JP knew that they weren't as supportive as Myra and the rest of the McQueens, but it couldn't get much worse from the last time Craig was halfway out the closet. And John Paul had sworn he wouldn't give up on the guy that very same day, but now he didn't know if he had the energy and strength, no matter how much he loved the guy.

"Oh, Craig!" he whispered to the punching bag.

He allowed himself to cry for five minutes and then hit the shower. After all, he was a big boy now.

_Lying in my bed_

_I hear the clock tick and think of you_

_Caught up in circles_

_Confusion is nothing new_

_Flashbacks to warm nights_

_Almost left behind_

_Suitcase of memories_

_Time after time_

Craig Dean seriously considered walking back downstairs when he saw Darren in the kitchen. What was it with this guy? He was everywhere and always at the lousiest times. If it was one thing he wasn't in the mood for now, it was a Darren-lecture. He was about to back silently when the older man spotted him. _Fuck._

"So, Craigy. I had an interesting conversation with your older brother today. Met him and the emo in the park. He was just over thrilled to have his heterosexual baby brother back! And that made me wonder: do you guys have a brother I don't know about?"

"Get off my case, Darren."

Darren faked being offended. "No need to be so touchy!"

Craig was on the edge of losing it. "Can't you just keep your big, fat, ugly nose to yourself Darren?! Huh? You ever thought about that? That maybe people don't want you to interfere and make jokes about their private business? You know, I just can't believe you!"

Darren looked puzzled at Craig's sudden outburst. "Hey, Craig, I was just-"

"Just. Get. Off." Craig clenched his teeth and gave his stepbrother a murdering look.

He went into his room while slamming the door. As always, his outbursts didn't make him feel any better, just left some sort of rip inside him. But Darren had asked for it. My God, Craig was so tired of him!

He turned on his CD-player and practically collapsed on the bed. He hated his life. He didn't look forward to return to Dublin, and he didn't want to be here. Being in the same town as John Paul and yet so far away from him made Craig feel choked. He thought about their kiss and felt warmth spread through his body. Kissing John Paul was… He struggled to find the correct word.

_Home,_ he thought. _Kissing John Paul was home. _

Craig pictured the other boy. Those blue, blue eyes and strong arms, his chest, his stomach, his legs and what was between them… He blushed. One time, back at the McQueen household, John Paul had spread-eagled him across the bed and climbed on top of him and… Craig was about to ease his hand beneath his own trousers, feeling the need to touch himself because of JP's absence, when Darren barged into the room.

_Oh, for fuck's sake!_ Craig felt his temper rising and opened his mouth to tell Darren just where to go, when the older man held his hands up, regarding.

"Woha, there! Don't explode in my face, all right? Just hear me out."

The anger disappeared and was replaced with tiredness. "Darren…"

"I know that I can be a total ass sometimes," his stepbrother said, and Craig looked up surprised.

"The shrinks call it a defense mechanism and your mother calls it rudeness, and I don't give a damn, ok? Just hear me out."

_The road is long_

_With many a winding turn_

_That leads us to who knows where_

_Who knows __where_

_But I'm strong_

_Strong enough to carry him_

_He __ain't__ heavy, he's my brother_

"So, he's back?" Sarah said. She had phoned him from London as she usually did during the week and after a few minutes of this and that, John Paul had broken the news.

"Yupp."

"And do you know what he wants? I mean, he wasn't even home during the holidays, so it's got to be some reason, or what?"

John Paul bit his lower lip. "He said something about needing the peace and quiet."

"Oh, come on JP!" He could almost hear her rolling eyes through the phone. "You know he has a reason, you're not that stupid! Ergo, you're not telling me something and we agreed –"

"No more secrets about Craig Dean," John Paul finished for her.

"That's right. So come on, tell me what you think."

He hesitated. "You sure you wanna hear about this, Sarah?"

"I must have told you a dozen times now that I'm not in love with him anymore. I may be bitter and angry for what he did, but I'm not in love."

_We both did it to you,_ John Paul thought, but he didn't say it out loud. They had been through it so many times and after all he was just happy that Sarah Barnes actually had managed to forgive him. It had taken a lot of arguing and a lot of tears, but they had done it – they had rebuilt their friendship. On one condition of course, which was that John Paul told her everything that had happened between him and Craig behind her back. She wanted to know every detail and John Paul told her, a little resisting in the start but more willingly after a while. As Sarah's broken heart was mended and after they'd gotten over the weirdness of the whole situation, they actually managed to share a laugh over common experiences with the young Dean. Like how he sounded when he had an orgasm.

_"My God, I thought that everyone in Chester could hear us! And what is it about the murmuring in the end?" _Sarah had said one time and as John Paul nodded agreeing, Nancy and Hannah had left – they just found it a little _too_ weird and he couldn't blame them. He was really amazed that he had gotten his friends in Hollyoaks back, especially Nancy who had a harder time forgiving him than Sarah. But he also felt a little guilty, because they'd made it pretty clear that Craig would not be so lucky and after all, John Paul too was to blame for all the hurt their relationship had caused.

"John Paul? You there?" Sarah asked confused.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry," he mumbled.

"So?"

"Um…" He stuttered, but decided to just say the truth. After all, that was a part of their so called friendship-deal. "I think he still has feelings for me, Sarah."

That was an understatement. John Paul was _sure_ that Craig still _loved_ him.

"Okay. And what do you think?"

He sighed. "You know I had a harder time getting over him, than you did."

She laughed. "You never did get over him, or what?"

"No," he admitted. "I thought I had. But then he came around and…"

"You know, I really wish you two could just pack it in and get together for real," she said. "Not that I think he deserves to be with anyone at all, but I think you do and if you really want that two-timing twit after what he did to both of us, than it's up to you, JP. But either do it or get a closure, for Christ's sake."

John Paul smiled. Sarah had turned far more cynical during the last six months, but he thought it suited her. "You know, Sarah, if we get together you will have to try to forgive him. He had difficulties choosing between the two of us and I don't wanna choose between the two of you at all."

She got silent for a moment. Then he heard her mumble "Maybe I'll try," and their conversation was over.

_I'm going to yell it from the rooftops_

_I'll wear a sign on my chest_

_That's the least I can do_

"What the hell is going on, Craig?" Darren asked. "I thought you loved the bloke. Do you have syrup up your behind? You looked pretty close when I walked in on you the other day."

"Syrup up my behind? What the hell is that supposed to mean, Darren?" Craig felt provoked.

"Okay, wrong metaphor to use, I get that," Darren said, rolling his eyes. "I've seen him with a couple of other blokes, all right. You better make a run for it."

Craig felt confused. "Why do you even care?"

"You're so God damn boring when you're miserable, man! And you better listen carefully, because I'm never saying this again."

"What?"

"You're my brother, Craig. It would be nice to see you happy sometimes."

Craig had to wonder: how was it that Darren could be the world's meanest and stupidest guy in one minute and then get all sentimental and caring the next?

"Good to know that one of my brothers are supportive, then, "he mumbled.

"To hell with Jake, man! You were the only one who didn't judge him when he got together with the emo and they are not more normal together than you and McQueer, are they?

Craig couldn't help himself. He laughed. Darren was Darren, no matter the degree of sentimentality.

"What is the big deal with Jake, anyway?" his stepbrother continued. "I mean – Steph loves the idea of having a gay brother, dad loves you more than he loves me, your mother will come around and to me you're the same damn looser anyway!"

It seemed like now, when Craig first had started, he couldn't stop laughing. Darren put a brotherly arm around him and they laughed together for a while. And Craig thought the room seemed brighter all of a sudden.

_I guess you don't need it_

_I guess you don't want me to repeat it_

_But everything I have to give_

_I give to you_

_It's not like we planned it_

_You tried to stay_

_But you could not stand it_

_To see me shut down slow as though it was an easy thing to do_

John Paul was in despair. Why hadn't Craig returned any of his calls? Why had he come back to the village? _And_ _what the hell did he mean when he said he couldn't?_ Couldn't what, exactly? Was he playing some sick sort of game?

John Paul's sadness was quickly replaced by anger. Craig Dean wasn't the only one who could make emotional u-turns. _Be strong for you? Fight your battles? My ass,_ John Paul thought. A little devil had invaded his heart. Oh, he was going to give that boy a lesson, and if his suspicions were correct it could happen the same night.

His suspicions _were_ correct – David had absolutely no problems going out for a drink on this short notice. He just needed half an hour to decide what to wear. "Then I'll be ready for you taking me out, Mister!" David said with a giggle. John Paul rolled his eyes before saying his goodbyes and hung up.

_He_ did not need half an hour to decide his clothing. He went with a blue shirt Craig once had given him. _"It matches your eyes,"_ he had said before handing it to him. And as John Paul watched himself in the mirror he realized that he looked damn good in it.

"Woha, someone's all dressed up!" Kris said when he entered the kitchen. "What's the occasion?"

John Paul smiled. "Don't need an occasion to look gorgeous, isn't that right?"

"Please! Someone's trying to eat here!" Zack said with his mouth full of fries. "Take your fashion-talk another place, aye?"

"See, John Paul has obviously gotten a point I've been trying to learn to you for over a year!" Kris said to his mate. "You always look like a slob!"

Zach just shook his head and kept eating.

"Anyway, I got to go. See you later, guys," John Paul said.

"Hot date tonight?" Kris asked, but John Paul ran out before he had to answer.

He met David outside his place and they headed off towards the Dog. John Paul kept his hands hidden in his pockets and ignored David's hints of wanting to hold hands. The last thing he wanted was for Katie to see him hand in hand with that guy. She didn't hang out at the Dog much, so John Paul figured it was safe to bring him there. That was of course not his only reason. Someone else he knew would probably be there, and he wanted that someone else to realize he wasn't the only bloke in John Paul's life. He wanted that someone else to accept the fact that John Paul had plenty of opportunities! And if his plan worked, that someone else would get pretty jealous.

They arrived at the pub and luckily it was only half full, John Paul noticed. Frankie stood behind the counter and gave him her usual chilly smile as he ordered two bottles of beer and guided David, who was waiting by the entrance, to one of the tables by the window. From his seat, John Paul could see it if Craig either came down from the flat above or entered through the main entrance.

"Beer?" David said disapproving with that squeaky little voice of his. "Don't they serve cocktails here?"

John Paul glanced around the pub to see if anyone he knew had heard what his so-called date had said. _Cocktail?__Seriously?_

"So Mister, do you want to head back to mine, afterwards?" David said.

"Maybe. Don't know," he answered distractedly.

David didn't care and grabbed his hand. "I promise, it'll be worth your while," he said with a voice John Paul assumed was supposed to be seductive. He allowed the blonde boy to hold his hand.

_All the better,_ he thought. _But where the hell is Craig?_

As some higher power had heard his question, the door up to the flat opened and Darren and Craig came into the pub.

"So, Mister –" David said, but were cut of short as John Paul pulled him close for a sucking French kiss, across the table.

_I cheated myself_

_Like I knew I would_

_I told you I was troubled_

_You know that I'm no good_

Craig had spent half an hour in front of the mirror in the bathroom. Now he was putting some gel in his hair, feeling the need to look perfect.

"The fact that you're gay doesn't mean you have to use forever in the bathroom mate," Darren said while watching him from the door.

Craig turned to him. "Look Darren," he said. "Thanks for everything, but can you just wait until tomorrow before you come with more jokes about this?"

"I think you're pushing it a little too far, little brother, but okay. Just don't tell anyone."

Craig took another look in the mirror and felt happy with what he saw. He wore a red shirt John Paul once had given him. _"It matches your temper," _he had laughed while looking at Craig with love in his eyes. Craig smiled at the memory and realized that the healthy and happy look was back on his face. All because of Darren, of all people. He would have to deal with Jake later. Right now, all he cared about was getting back in the arms of a certain blue eyed boy. He got nervous just by the thought, for some reason. The last time he'd had just that feeling was on the 16th of May when he had ran out of an exam and gone to the McQueen's. That was the first time he had slept with John Paul. And if he got lucky tonight, this would be the first in a very long time. Craig felt himself shiver.

"Ready, then?" Darren said. "I'll walk you down."

As they walked down the stairs Craig tried to figure out some clever lines, tried to come up with some sort of speech that would sweep his love of his feet.

_John Paul, I'm sorry. I love you. I want you. And I'm not afraid to show it to the world, if that's what you want me to do. __Stay with me.__ Come to Dublin with me. Love me.__ I am g –._

Before he knew it, he was standing in the bar watching John Paul, the love of his life, kissing another boy, and once again Craig found the happiness and joy sucked out of him within seconds.

_Don't talk of love_

_But I've heard the words before;_

_It's sleeping in my memory_

_I won't disturb the slumber_

_Of feelings that have died_

_If I never loved I never would have cried_

_I am a rock_

_I am an island_

_And a rock feels no pain_

_And an island never cries_


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay guys, I've been trying another method to separate the POVs. A bit tidier, eh? Please review:) **

**John Paul McQueen** was making his way back to his flat early in the morning and while he walked the silent streets of Hollyoaks, he knew that he had messed up.

Again. Badly.

His plan didn't go exactly as he had hoped the night before. It didn't go the way he had planned at all. When he had finished his face-sucking with David in the Dog all those hours ago, he had looked up and met Craig's stare. And then John Paul realized that it all went terribly wrong. The soft brown eyes of the man he loved so much weren't filled with jealousy as he had expected. Craig just looked hurt. He looked like John Paul had broken his heart and that he was seconds from bursting into tears. And before John Paul could make his way across the pub to talk to him, Craig had turned on the spot and returned to the flat. David had still had his head up in the clouds and didn't notice any of it. He didn't notice that John Paul was wrapped up in his own thoughts for the rest of the evening. And when they winded up in bed together he didn't notice that the other guy did it out of frustration.

All this was rotating through John Paul's mind this morning, threatening to drive him insane. It was a stupid thing to do in the first place, bringing David to the Dog to make Craig jealous. Kissing the bimbo in front of the whole pub wasn't a smart decision either. And to jump in the sack with him afterwards definitely made the top three of stupid things he had done in his whole life.

Another thing that bothered John Paul was the fact that he didn't care much about David's feelings in the middle of all this. He wondered when he had become so cynical; he had always thought that using people was one of the cruelest things you could do. But when it came to Craig, John Paul seemed to have lost all of his principles a long time ago. Just the fact that he had gone behind Sarah's back for all those months even though she had been one of his closest friends, proved this. One time he had spent the whole day with her, listening to her talking about Craig, saying he was the most important thing in her life and that she almost couldn't wait to move to Dublin with him. The guilt had almost killed John Paul and he had decided for maybe the tenth time to finish with his lover. And then, after saying goodbye to Sarah and returning home, there was Craig, sitting on his bed, waiting for him. And once again the guilt just melted of, he locked the door and they had amazing sex, no, they _made love_, as if they were in a world of their own. Sometimes John Paul couldn't quite believe it. Or actually, he had problems believing it most of the time, except when he was with Craig. When he looked into those brown eyes, he realized that he was able to do almost anything to be with that boy. Using a naive guy who had a crush on him was only a triviality.

He had reached his flat, locked himself in and went straight to the bathroom. Maybe the hot water could wash away his mistakes.

**Craig Dean** was in a really, really bad mood. He snapped at everyone, kept hitting things, slammed doors and even threw a glass of milk into the kitchen wall. Mostly he did it because if he didn't, he would probably go around crying. Darren had received a pretty harsh message about exactly where Craig wanted him to go and where he could shove those stupid advices of his.

Now, he just wandered the park consumed in his own thoughts.

He was too late. John Paul had moved on. Why was it that every time Craig was ready to admit his feelings, John Paul had found himself another bloke? Last time it was Spike and now it was this blonde guy who even made Steph look macho. What John Paul saw in either one of them, Craig couldn't understand. But it made him jealous anyway. He couldn't stand the thought of other men having their hands all over his ex-lover's body, kissing him, stroking him, doing things that Craig was supposed to do!

But he was done. He wasn't playing along anymore. Once again Craig shut out his feelings, because it just hurt too much having them. He had never been a superstitious guy but it seemed like he and the man he loved just wasn't meant to be. The thought was devastating but he had to face it; going back to Dublin alone and pick up his John Paul-less, depressing life. It hurt so much he found it hard to breathe. _Why don't you stay and fight?_ A little voice was whispering inside his head. But Craig Dean had never fought for anything during his whole life. He'd always taken the coward's way. Even that day on the air port, seeing John Paul cry and knowing he could fix it with one single kiss; he couldn't step out of the cowardice shoes he had worn for so long. Craig just didn't know how to live his life that way. Yesterday, for ten wonderful minutes, he had thought himself brave, thought that he had overcome the difficulties standing in his and John Paul's way. It hadn't occurred to him that the gorgeous guy wasn't in the same place. And why was that?

Craig looked up and to his surprise he saw John Paul further down the path, walking towards him. The blonde hadn't noticed him, obviously to wrapped up in his own things, kicking leaves and stones restlessly as he went.

Craig hadn't considered the fact that John Paul might not be interested because of one simple thing: the stolen kiss in the alleyway. John Paul had kissed him! He had made Craig believe in something and then thrown it back in his face that very same night. He felt rage running through his veins. Rage was both a welcome and familiar feeling. Craig sucked at a lot of things, but being angry and going ballistic was not one of them.

**John Paul's** one wish that afternoon was to clear his head. Clear his head without having Kris and Jess hanging around him discussing fashion and makeup, or Zach nagging about football or David sending stupid, nauseating messages to his cell. So he had gone to the park and tried to enjoy a little bit of nature and peace and quiet. Of course it didn't last long before John Paul dived into his worries and sorrows, not noticing where he was going or anything else about the outside world where happy people lived.

Suddenly he found himself in the middle of a narrow path in the southern end of the park. He couldn't remember how he had gotten there or what his motive for doing so might have been. The only thing John Paul saw was the figure that slowly approached him; Craig was like a panting bull, furious and god damn sexy John Paul had to admit, all though he probably wouldn't enjoy his mate's sex appeal in the following minutes.

"Why the HELL did you do that?!" the brown eyed boy shouted in anger when he was close enough to make his outburst a bit painful on JP's ears.

"Do what?" John Paul asked feeling confused.

"KISS ME!"

_Now, what the hell was this all about? _He couldn't believe what he heard. Was Craig going to act like they had done something he didn't want to do, _again_? John Paul felt the heat of rage reach his face.

"Don't you come around here, pretending I did something you didn't want me to!" he growled. His words were barely hearable but then he lost it: "DON'T YOU EVEN TRY TO CONVINCE ME THAT I'VE ASSAULTED YOU IN SOME WAY!"

**Craig** didn't back off – John Paul had shouted things in his face so many times that he was used not to show any reaction. But it wasn't only shock or fear he struggled to not show when JP was like this; a raging John Paul was quite a turn on. But no time to think about that now; Craig gritted his teeth.

"You can't just go around kissing me whenever you feel like it, you know! What if someone had seen us, eh?"

"Oh, grow up, Craig!" John Paul folded his arms and turned his back on him.

"Well, I don't know about you but I don't want people to go around thinking that I'm your -"

He was interrupted by a loud ironical laugh from the other guy. "My boyfriend? Oh yeah, now I remember: you are straight, aren't you? A couple of shags with another fella now and then doesn't change that you're still the same old heterosexual and hypocritical Craig Dean."

Craig was actually going to say _I don't want people to go around thinking that I'm your bit on the side,_ he hadn't even worried about the whole gay-thing, but the words John Paul had spoken made him so furious he forgot to correct the other guy's mistake. How could John Paul just drag old issues into the future? _If that's the way he wants it,_ Craig thought.

"Oh, yeah, and I forgot: you really know all about me, don't you! You know me so well that I don't even have to make decisions on my own anymore! I can just ask _you_ to send a couple of text messages for me!"

"Oh, I just feel so guilty about telling your fiancé that you were cheating on her!" John Paul said the words with a scent of irony but Craig knew that his words had stung; his ex-lover had never stopped feeling guilty for that night. And now that they had started blaming each other for things in the past it seemed hard to stop.

"Yeah, I was the only one who was cheating on her, was I?" Craig shouted. "She was one of your best mates! Still you went behind her back and slept with her boyfriend!"

Something dark flashed through John Paul's eyes, before he said with a voice heavy with anger:

"Trust me, I only slept with her _boyfriend_ because he practically _begged _me to!"

And before Craig knew it, his fist had flown through the air, hitting John Paul's jaw with such force that the blonde boy was knocked to the ground.

**John Paul** didn't know where the last line had come from. It was a pure lie. His only whish had been to hurt Craig, because he felt so tired of being messed about by him. He had obviously succeeded. And then Craig had turned to physical violence. He felt the blood drip from his upper lip. John Paul was fully aware that he probably deserved it for saying such a hurtful thing, but that didn't mean he was going to lie down and take it. In a second he was back on his feet, throwing a punch at Craig who was still frozen by his own actions. The punch got him stumbling backwards, reaching for the eye where John Paul had hit.

They stared at each other, before Craig said with a trembling voice: "Oh, you're in trouble now, McQueen!"

"Bring it on, Dean," John Paul snarled back.

And the fight was on. Craig threw himself on him, knocking him to the ground. The air was squeezed out of John Paul's lungs but he managed to get hold on a stick and bang it against the other boy's head. That at least gave him time to arise. Craig soon followed and they stood in front of each other, their fists in guard, John Paul with a blood-dripping lip and Craig with an already swollen eye. Then suddenly, everything changed. Craig dropped his guard and stared at him. John Paul mirrored the action and wiped some blood of his chin. "Since when did we call each other by surname?" he mumbled, and that was all it took. They started laughing.

" '_Bring__ it on, Dean?!_' " Craig yelled between his giggling, imitating John Paul's earlier words. "Have you been watching some of those old western movies, again?"

"You're not so much better, yourself!" John Paul gasped for air. "But you threw in a good punch there."

Craig was still smiling and the smile melted John Paul's heart. "Sorry mate," the brown haired boy said, reaching out his hand.

John Paul grabbed it. "Nah, I gave as much as I got, isn't that right?"

They stood there, shaking hands and laughing at their silly little fight. For some reason the anger was gone with the wind and they started enjoying the other's presence again.

"Ready to head back into town?" Craig asked, and they started walking side by side like the argument had never really taken place, both with their hands buried deep in their pockets.

**Walking** through Hollyoaks with John Paul felt almost like old days, Craig thought. The fact that the two of them had been a couple was old news in the village and no one stared at them like people had done in the few weeks before Craig's departure five months earlier. They looked no different than other mates walking together, maybe except the bruise and the blood. But it wasn't the first time Craig and John Paul had fought physically either. The last time it had happened, still hurt to think about. He had beaten up the guy who was now walking next to him because of two things: he was in fact gorgeous and Craig had noticed it. He and John Paul had an instant connection the very first time they met, but he never recognized it as anything more than friendship. But it _was_; Craig realized that now. He felt safe and comforted in John Paul's presence. For the first time in his life, someone really saw him. And after John Paul admitting his true feelings and after the kiss on the school dance, Craig didn't just _see_ John Paul – for the first time in his life, Craig saw _himself._ And what he had seen had scared the crap out of him.

It still scared him.

He stared at John Paul who walked beside him with that cute little smile on his lips. He was perfect. He was kind and smart and funny and sexy and everything Craig dreamed about. He even looked great with that cut on his lip. And John Paul understood him, got through to him in a way that no one else did. A couple of girls stared at John Paul as they passed them. They were practically drooling. If this had really been the good old days, Craig would have gotten jealous. But now it made him proud. He had a gorgeous boy at his side. A boy that could be his boyfriend if Craig would just let him.

_What are we doing? Why have I wasted so much time?_

He felt a strange kind of courage as he grabbed John Paul's arm and stopped in the middle of the street. John Paul looked puzzled at this sudden movement and looked at him confused. A billion thoughts stroke Craig at the same time:

_O__h my God, he's gorgeous!__ Do I look all right?__ I want him.__ Hope I don't have bad breath.__ I love him. We belong togethe__r, the two of us. Oh, those soft blue eyes… He is my home and life and everything.__ But what if he doesn't want to? __I'm not worthy of him. __He needs me to be brave. Can I be that brave? __My eye hurts. It must look awful.__I __want to show him off to the whole world__ But I'm scared. Maybe I should tell him that? __Or maybe I should just say that I'm gay. Don't start to cry now! __Or maybe – _

"Do you still want me?" Craig blurted out. The words sounded clumsy and he felt his face getting hot like he was fourteen again, asking a girl to be his girlfriend. But he was twenty now. And he was asking his best mate to love him. It was too rare to miss, and Craig stopped staring at his feet and looked up. John Paul looked at him with those intense blue eyes of his. And as Craig looked at him he _knew_.

John Paul opened his mouth to speak but didn't get far.

"Hey there, Mister! Where have you been, you naughty boy? I've been trying to ring you!"

And Craig recognized the boy he had seen kissing John Paul on the Dog the night before. He had a ridiculous tiny little voice Craig noticed, before the blonde reached them and slapped John Paul's ass.

_Fuck._ He had forgotten all about John Paul's boyfriend.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Author's note: Thanks for the reviews! They mean the world to me. I am a bit uncertain about this chapter and would really like to hear what you think. **__****_

**Craig Dean was**** starting to feel uncomfortable as****the two guys**** standing in front of him, one a bit blonder tha****n the other but not as handsome, stared at him.** John Paul's boyfriend wasn't ugly but a bit too feminine, Craig thought, and in the next second he realized that he _definitely was_ gay. If he had been that weird kind of straight he had thought for so many moths he should have found David more physically attractive, shouldn't he? But somewhere along the way he had started preferring men. Or had it always been that way?

But it was no time to think about that now. He had a situation to handle and it had to happen quickly, before he did something stupid. Like smash his mate's boyfriend's face, or something. The other guy had laid his arm around JP's waist and a part of Craig just wanted to scream with jealousy and rage. But he wouldn't make a fool of himself either, all though he already had. _'Do you still want me?!' What the hell was I thinking?_ Craig thought. It was best to make it nonchalant and short before disappearing, hoping that John Paul had forgotten all about his last line when his boyfriend appeared.

Craig stamped the most genuine smile he could manage on his face and reached out a hand.

"Hi. I'm Craig, one of John Paul's friends," he said, cursing inside because his voice cracked a bit in the middle of the sentence.

"Oooh, John Paul never told me that he had so handsome mates!" the other guy said, taking his hand.

Craig was surprised. Not just by the words but by the fact that the boy had a really thin an almost squeaky voice. "I'm David, John Paul's boyfriend," the other guy continued. Then he looked at John Paul.

"So mister, what are you two up to?"

_Mister?_

"Well, actually David –" John Paul started calmly, but Craig interrupted him, feeling that his mask was about to slip.

"Take good care of him, eh?" he said to David. Then he looked straight into the blue eyes of John Paul and continued: "There's no one like him. He's the best."

Craig felt tears prickling behind his eyelids and mumbled his goodbyes before leaving them, not baring another second in the presence of the guy he was in love with and his new lover.

"Craig – !" John Paul called, but he couldn't turn and look back. Hastily he made his way back to the Dog, tears running across his face.

**John Paul McQueen felt frozen.** He wanted to run after Craig, but his feet were stuck to the ground. David said something he didn't catch before taking his arm and leading him away. He moved like a robot, feeling like he had lost his breath. It had been sucked out of him the second David appeared.

John Paul had just opened his mouth to say "Of course I still want you, Craig. I've always wanted you and I think I always will." Those were the exact words he was going to use. He had lost himself completely in Craig's brown eyes which suddenly had a new shine of bravery in them. The fear and confusion that always haunted the other boy seemed to be gone. And then, like a sticky and nauseating little lightening, David had showed.

And John Paul just had just _frozen_! He saw Craig pulling into himself again. Gone was the bravery, back was the shame and uncertainty. He couldn't speak. He saw Craig's fake smile and he couldn't speak. He heard David presenting himself as his boyfriend, and he_ still couldn't speak!_ And when he was ready to tell David to back off, Craig had interrupted him before disappearing. And he didn't look back, not even when John Paul called him.

It was unbelievable. Was it even possible to be this unlucky?

John Paul watched the blonde boy walking next to him clutching his arm. He listened to the silly voice. He smelled the wrong aftershave. And he cursed the day he had laid eyes on David.

_What the hell am I doing? _

John Paul had flipped just minutes earlier while in the park arguing with Craig. But compared to what came out of his mouth now that had just been a friendly remark. His voice came from deep within, it was piercing and it was loud:

"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!"

David stopped and stared at him. So did a couple of other people walking the same street. But John Paul didn't care.

"HAVE YOU ANY IDEA WHAT YOU JUST DID?!"

"What are you talking about, mister? Is this some sort of joke?" David frowned.

"DON'T YOU MISTER ME! I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN YOU CALL ME THAT! AND I CAN'T STAND _YOU_! AND I DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU EVER AGAIN! YOU JUST RUINED MY CHANCE TO GET BACK WITH THE ONLY ONE I TRULY LOVE!"

Tears were dripping from David's eyes. "But… I thought we were…" he stuttered.

"WELL, WE WEREN'T! IT WAS A STUPID MISTAKE! I ONLY DID IT BECAUSE NOTHING BETTER CAME ALONG, SO JUST GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!"

He felt a sharp pain as David slapped him in the face. Then the other boy turned on his heel and ran away. A couple of old ladies stared at him with shock and disgust, and John Paul knew he had been way out of order. David had been irritating but nothing he had ever done justified the things he'd just been told. It was all John Paul's fault, sleeping with him and not having the guts to tell him that the two of them couldn't be anything more. And now he had exploded.

Knowing that he should really be running after David, making sure he was ok, John Paul turned and started walking towards the Dog. There was someone else on his priority list.

**Craig was crying.** He had been standing in front of the mirror in his room and while doing so, he had made a decision; it was time to get over John Paul. All they did was to hurt one another in every way there was. They should never have gotten involved in the first place; they should have just stayed friends, because that obviously was what they were meant to be. Craig knew that now. To finish the whole thing once and for all was the right thing to do.

Then why did it hurt so much? His whole body seemed to be aching.

He was withdrawn from his depressing world by a knock on the door and the soft voice of John Paul from the outside. "Craig?"

Quickly he wiped away his tears and took a couple of deep breaths. He didn't really want John Paul to see him like this, but he had to face the guy sooner or later. And Craig didn't want to give the impression of being angry with anyone.

He opened the door and John Paul came walking straight in and started talking. "I'm so sorry, Craig. I completely froze back there." He turned and looked at him, before continuing. "David's not my boyfriend, ok? He's a silly mistake I made once or twice. I've told him that it won't work. He knows that now."

Craig couldn't bear to hear this. Why did John Paul always make things so difficult for him?

"John Paul…"

"Hear me out, ok? Just hear me out. Of course I still want you. I've always wanted you and I think I always will."

The love was shining through his clear blue eyes. "I love you."

And before Craig knew what was happening, John Paul had crossed the room and was kissing him hungrily.

_It's time to be strong for once. We can't be together. I'll hurt him. We'll hurt each other. I'm not what he needs or deserves. _

Another piece of his heart broke when he painfully shoved John Paul away, even though his body was screaming for the blonde guy.

"Craig? What's wrong?" John Paul's voice was even softer and filled with concern.

Craig took a deep breath. This was definitely going to be the hardest thing he'd ever done. But he had made up his mind.

"We can't keep doing this to each other, John Paul. It will kill us." His voice was shaking and when his mate didn't answer, he somehow found the strength to continue. "You're one of the most important people in my life and you always will be. Don't you ever doubt that. But let's stick with friendship. It's obvious that we're not meant to be anything more."

John Paul shook his head. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse. "Why are you talking bull, Craig?"

"Please mate," Craig pleaded, fighting the tears.

"No!" John Paul sounded determined. "I know you want me. I know you _love _me."

"I… I don't. Sorry, John Paul, but what I was trying to say back there was that I'm over you."

Craig avoided his stare.

"You liar. Why are you doing this to yourself over and over again?" John Paul as usually saw straight through him.

"Look," Craig said, finally making eye contact. "It doesn't matter how I feel about you. I'm tired, John Paul. I'm tired of hurt and anger and I'm tired of all the difficulties. I want my life back. And I want my best mate back."

"Craig…"

"DON'T!" Craig didn't mean to snap, but he couldn't help it. "Let's just leave it," he said a bit calmer. "It's over."

John Paul was still staring at him. He looked like he couldn't quite believe what he saw or heard.

"You have to go," Craig said. "I'm sorry that I hurt you one more time. Think about it – this is all for the best." He opened the door. John Paul walked up to him and Craig tried to ignore the familiar sensations in his body that always came when his mate was close. The blue eyes Craig loved was glassy.

"Goodbye." And he left.

Craig was crying.

**The arms of Myra and Jacqui felt warm around him, but no matter how long his mother stroke his hair or his older sister patted his arm, John Paul knew it couldn't mend his bleeding heart.** It was three days since Craig had finished it for good and John Paul had spent those three days in heavy denial. But as the hours went by torturing him with the absence of his ex-lover's text messages and phone calls, he slowly came to realize that it was all over. He wanted to call the Dog to hear if Craig had gone back to Dublin, but he didn't dare; he was too afraid of the answer he might get.

Closure should be a revealing thing. John Paul had read it in thousand magazines his sister had bought during his childhood, and both Myra and Katie had told him so over and over again. But he knew it was bull. The only reason he had done so well after the air port-incident was that it had left him at least a tiny hope that things could someday be different, that Craig would change his mind and come back. He _had_ come back but the distance between them had never been this big. It was something determined in Craig's eyes the other night, and even though John Paul hadn't bought any of his lies at the time, he started doubting now. Maybe Craig had told him the truth when he said that he wasn't in love with him anymore? His absence proved so, John Paul thought. And now, when it definitely was over, he didn't know how he could ever get over it. His life without Craig seemed worthless.

"You might feel that way now, John Paul, but just give it time. It'll pass," Myra said.

But he knew she was wrong.

"He's just the first of many men you'll fall in love with. There's plenty of Craig's out there."

John Paul knew Jacqui was wrong as well.

He being in love with Craig was so much more than a crush. His only chance now, was to settle for another guy some day, and that would mean settling for the next best thing. It was a depressing destiny. And all though he knew that Craig wasn't that special, that there were guys out there similar to him, it didn't matter. Because there was only one Craig for John Paul and that Craig had recently said goodbye. He had taken his heart with him and left nothing but a big hole behind.

The two McQueen women kept comforting him and he tried to enjoy their warmth and care, but it was difficult. All John Paul could think about was those brown eyes and that dark hair, forever kept from him.

The sun was thrown away from the earth, making it cold and lifeless.

**Craig was drunk.** He was tired of crying so he had gotten himself a bottle of vodka instead. The clear liquid tasted like crap but at the same time made him numb and that was exactly what he needed. He sat on his bed, listening to some random music and finishing his fifth glass. When had his life become such a mess? He could vaguely remember a time when he had a mate and a girlfriend, before their roles got all mixed up. And after he started sleeping with John Paul behind Sarah's back, even _then_ his life had made more sense. Now he was entirely alone and just saw chaos everywhere.

While the pictures on the wall started to get a bit blurry and unclear, Craig thought about trying with a girl again. It wasn't so bad – he had really enjoyed it most of the times. He let out a couple of drunken snorts. Thing's had worked pretty well with Sarah. The fact that he sometimes couldn't stand her presence and that he more and more often saw it as an obligation to sleep with her, didn't mean that their relationship had been bad, or not right or whatever.

He chuckled. Of course it did.

He thought about the third time he had slept with John Paul. It had happened in John Paul's old room back at the McQueen residence right after the first time Craig ever told his mate that he loved him. They had had sex before, but then it had always been a bit hasty, both of them being overwhelmed with both passion and confusion. This time they had taken their time, making love slowly. And it had been the first time John Paul moved inside him. Closing his eyes, Craig could still hear their moans, seeing JP move on top of him while looking him deep into his eyes. It had been the most intimate experience both of them had ever shared with someone. And it made him realize three things. First of all: he was probably gay. Second: everything after this would seem mediocre. And third: John Paul was the only one for him.

Of course realizing this didn't make him admit it. He was too ashamed.

The room started spinning around. Craig chuckled over his pathetic life. He had wasted so much time – maybe if he'd had the guts back then, things would have been different now. Too bad time can't be turned. It was too late now; he didn't want the two of them to hurt more. His only hope was that John Paul was in a better state than he, himself, was.

He started singing, drunkenly: "I-I can't shtopp tis feeling I got, Ih now whoh I am and Ih know whatth I'm not. Ih now whatth I'fe been and Ihi know whath I'fe losht…"

And the words of the song made him cry once again, vodka or no vodka. However, he didn't have time to finish crying. It seemed like every single meal he had ever had was making its way up through his throat, and he had to run like hell into the bathroom.

**John Paul had done 20 lengths**** in the indoor pool**** and felt exhausted.** Sometimes the feeling of the water around him was therapeutic, but this was not one of those times. He didn't feel better, just empty. Four days had passed since he last spoke to Craig. 96 hours had come and gone since it ended. And it started to sink in; this was not temporary – Craig had managed to cut himself loose. John Paul removed his goggles and got out of the indoor pool. It was not a lot of people there today, just a couple of girls with their baby brother. They were splashing around laughing and screaming with joy, and a part of John Paul wondered if they were just doing it to mock him. But he was done crying; he had no tears left. For every day that passed by he felt more and more numb. The hurt was replaced by an emptiness he couldn't imagine how to get out of. He sat down on one of the benches, grabbing his water bottle.

_That determination, that absoluteness – how can you do this to us, Craig?!_

Things had always sort of worked out in the past. All though nothing was perfect, he always had Craig with him one way or another, hoping, always hoping that things would change. And when things actually did change, John Paul decided to walk out. That was probably one of his dumbest choices ever. Why did he have to be so impatient? If he had just hung in there for a little while longer, things would probably have been different today. So many difficulties had come in their way that Craig couldn't take it anymore. He just couldn't get himself to fight. And if John Paul had gotten a sign, at least a small flicker of doubt in Craig's voice when he said it was over, then maybe he could have gone through with his plan to be strong for the both of them. But seeing the darkness in the other boy's eyes and for the first time not being able to look straight into his soul had crushed every hope John Paul kept in his heart.

He drank what was left of the water in the bottle and headed for the men's shower. Removing his bathing-trunks he turned the hot water on and quickly hid beneath it almost hoping that it would drown him. He closed his eyes tightly as he placed both hands on the wall and rested his for head against the white tiles, feeling the warmth spread on the outside of his body.

No tears would come; not even when he thought about that moment all those months ago when Craig had come to his house straight from a not finished exam. John Paul could still see with his inner eye every tear on those dark lashes as Craig had admitted his true feelings and kissed him.

_"__I want you!__"_

But not a single tear came. Feeling the need to punch something, he slammed of the water before he grabbed his towel and slapped it hard against the wall. Of course it didn't make a difference. While heading for the sauna, he hoped that heartache maybe could be sweated out.

**It had been Darren's idea they should go swimming.** Craig didn't know where the hell that came from – activities including water had never been a big hit in the Dean and Osborne clan.

"For all you know, it'll do you good, mate," his stepbrother had said. "Some friend of mine called it… Was it therapeutic he said?"

Craig rolled his eyes. "The only good it can do me is to drown me," he mumbled, but Darren didn't hear it. The older boy had luckily left the whole John Paul-gay-issue be. If he hadn't, Craig wouldn't have known how to react. All he knew was that he wouldn't want Darren to see him crying again. Yeah sure, he could be nice sometimes, but no one ever knew exactly where they had him.

Still he had somehow persuaded Craig to pack his shorts and come with him to the big indoor pool in the other end of the village.

It at least couldn't make things any worse, going for a swim, Craig thought. He hadn't been out of the flat for four days and could probably need some exercise. His mind was blank, his eyes dry and his heart cold. John Paul hadn't been in touch. Craig had hoped that the boy he loved wouldn't accept his bull so easily, but he had. Of course no one could blame him – Craig had done all he could to convince him that ending everything was the right thing to do. He had avoided directly eye contact and he had fought to give the impression of calmness and determination. This was his fault. Once again, he was to blame for all the misery. But every time he picked up his phone to call the blonde boy, he managed to convince himself that this was all for the best. And if John Paul had disagreed, he would have been in touch, right?

Craig stared out of the window of the car as Darren drove and tried not to think about what he had been thinking about every day for the last year: his best mate and their relationship. Of course it was useless. Everything he spotted reminded him of John Paul.

Finally they got there and were just about to enter the men's shower when Darren stopped.

"Ah, damn mate – I've forgotten my goggles," he said, slapping his hand on his for head in a way very unlike him.

"So?" Craig sighed. "You don't need them."

Darren looked at him like he would look at an alien. "Hello? I can't let the chemicals hurt my wonderful blue eyes, can I? They attract the ladies!"

His stepbrother was probably the most affected guy in the universe, Craig thought as he pointed at the kiosk that sold swimming equipment. "By some new ones then!"

"Not wasting money, mate," Darren said. "It'll only take a sec."

"Oh, come on!"

"You just go in and warm up, baby brother!" Darren pushed him towards the door. "Come on, in you go." And he rushed out to the car.

Craig wondered what the hell he was doing here. All he wanted was to go back home and crawl beneath his sheets, hiding from the world.

The room was deserted except for a pair of bathing-trunks left on the floor. Automatically he undressed and turned on the shower, but unfortunately, the hot water couldn't melt the ice filling his insides. Finished washing, he headed for the sauna planning to wait there until Darren returned.

He opened the wooden door and entered the hot, steamy room.

It took a while before his eyes got used to the dimmed light, but he noticed he wasn't alone in there. Another man was sitting in one of the corners. As his contours got clearer, he was recognized to be the only one Craig had ever loved.

John Paul stared at him like he couldn't believe what he saw. The towel had slid of him and not a single centimeter of his body was hidden from sight. Craig could see _everything_; the sweat dripping from his strong, masculine chest, his wonderful arms and hands clutching the bench he was sitting on, his white beautiful thighs… He couldn't hide his reactions to this sight. The inner ice started dripping as his heart beat faster and the room had suddenly become much hotter. He felt a sweet sensation in his groin.

Slowly, John Paul arose and came towards him. His chest was heaving fast and he panted heavily as he reached out and quickly removed the towel surrounding Craig's waist. Their eyes met and neither of them let go before they kissed each other with a hunger so sudden and intense it almost became too much. Craig felt his knees buckle, but John Paul held him and firmly pushed him against the wall. His blue eyes were heavy with lust and he moved close to him, almost as close as he could get.

Craig embraced him frenetic and pushed his tongue deep in between those wonderful lips. He could feel John Paul stroking his hair before he lowered his hands and spread his legs. And suddenly Craig found himself in midair his back still against the wall, and he on instinct flung his legs around the other boy and… oh… my… god…!

It was like a dam had burst and they couldn't deny it anymore, other possible swimmers be damned.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note: Thanks again, for reviewing my story! I really, truly appreciate it. The next chapter will be the last one - please stay tuned! **

**"What?!"**

Katie seemed to have lost all of the strength in her arms, practically dropping the cup of tea she was holding. Suddenly, John Paul's kitchen table was covered with tea and he reached to grab a towel from the sink. He hadn't been able to keep silent anymore. He needed to tell someone to keep himself sane. If it wasn't for the fact that his legs hurt like hell after the exercise from the day before, he would probably have believed it was all a dream. By telling Katie, he some way made it real.

But simply saying "I had sex with Craig in a sauna yesterday," probably wasn't the best way to do it. Katie stared at him in disbelief. John Paul wiped away the tea and threw the towel back in the sink.

"It's true, Katie."

"In a sauna, John Paul? That's the kind of things that only happens in cheesy erotic movies! Are you sure you haven't just dreamt all this?"

He rolled his eyes at her. "Yeah, thanks Katie. I may be messed up at times but I'm not _that_ messed up, all right?"

She took the new cup of tea he handed her, looking confused. "But… How?"

John Paul laughed. "You know how it works, don't you?"

Katie looked annoyed. "Of course I do! But… Weren't you over? I mean, back to just being mates and all?"

"I thought we were over as well. And then I went swimming and as always I decided to relax in the sauna for a while, and there he was."

"God, you're easy!" Katie teased.

"Hey, if you had seen Craig Dean naked, you would have done the exact same thing, believe me!" John Paul hesitated before blushing and added: "Well, maybe not the _exact_ same thing…"

Katie laughed but quickly got serious and started asking difficult questions.

"So, what happens now then?"

"Don't know," John Paul stated.

"Are you two getting back together?"

"Don't know."

"Well, how was the sex then, do you happen to know that?" she asked, pinching his arm.

He looked at her. "What do you think? Have you ever been starving for ages before finally getting to eat?"

"But you haven't been _starving_, John Paul. I mean, how many times have you jumped in the sack with David?"

John Paul almost laughed out loud. "Katie, that is like comparing burger and fries with beefsteak and potatoes au gratin - this was probably the most fantastic sex I have ever had in my entire life."

**"Ouch, mum!" **

Craig's grip tightened on the sink. Frankie was standing behind him in the bathroom, poking his back with a needle.

"Oh Craigy, how is it possible to get splinters all over your back?"

He cursed himself for getting red and said through gritted teeth: "I've told you, I went swimming and then afterwards in the sauna I fell against the wooden walls."

His mother looked confused. "OK, I don't understand how that is possible. Did you rub your back against the wall?"

"No one asked you to understand, mum! Just fix it, will you?"

She rolled her eyes. "This will take ages! There must be hundreds of them, and I have work to do!"

Craig grabbed his shirt angrily and strode out of the bathroom. "Then I'll just suffer then!"

She came after him. "Sorry love, but I can't let Jack handle everything alone down there. I'll fix it tonight, all right? Maybe I can get Suzanne Ashworth over…"

"Oh, don't bother!" Suzanne was probably going to ask a lot more questions than his mum had.

"Anyway, we'll fix it. You just try to sit up straight and don't lean against anything." And she left.

"Yeah, that sounds like a comfortable day!" Craig called after her.

Being left alone in the flat, Craig allowed himself to open his inner cupboard where yesterday's happenings were restored. He closed his eyes and pictured every second of what had taken place in the sauna.

_JP's naked body__ dripping with sweat, his strong arms holding me up, my god, I didn't know he could __do it__ that way, holding me up against the wall, looking deep into my eyes, moving faster and faster… _Craig felt a sweet sensation in the lower half of his body and his heart rhythm increased its speed. He dropped down on the sofa, but quickly arose feeling a sting of pain caused by the hundreds of splinters in his back. Damn those wooden walls!

He paced the living room up and down for a while, remembering their short conversation after the whole sauna-event

_"So, what happens now?"_

_"Give me a little time, John Paul. I didn't expect this."_

_"I'm sorry if I crossed some sort of line."_

_"Well you sort of did - I don't think the owner of this place would exactly approve…"_

_"To hell with the owner!__ You know what I meant."_

_"Just give me some time, ok?"_

_"Yeah… __All right."_

And then Craig had left. Darren hadn't showed and he had to walk all the way home across the village. He didn't mind, though. His body had still been hot and his mind was swimming, so he needed the air.

Thinking of the Devil, Darren appeared.

"Oi, sorry about yesterday mate," he said when he spotted Craig. "Had some lady-issues, you know."

"Yeah, whatever," Craig said distractedly.

Darren looked at him in disbelief. "What?"

Craig stopped his pacing and looked at his stepbrother. "It's all right. Doesn't matter."

"Ok, who are you and what have you done to Craig?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Craig felt annoyed. Damn it! He needed time to think and just wanted Darren to vanish. "What are you on about?"

The other man had if possible an even more shocked expression on his face. He came up to Craig and put his hands on his shoulders.

"Maybe you've had a blackout of some sort. Let me fill you in: I spent hours convincing you to take a swim with me and when we finally did get there I took off and I haven't showed until now with nothing but a lousy excuse and you're not even going to cause a _little_ row?"

Craig sighed. That was probably the last thing on his mind. "It doesn't matter, Darren. I've more important things to think about." He grabbed his jacket and left the flat and after buying a beer from Jack, sat outside, even though it was freezing cold.

What happened now?

Craig wasn't sure. Every time he had made a final decision about him and John Paul, something happened that changed it. He didn't know what to do. Yesterday's brief but passionate encounter had been amazing, but just physical. They had been carried away. But John Paul had made it pretty clear where he stood just a week ago. He still wanted Craig.

Did he still want John Paul? Yes, he did.

Did he love John Paul? Without doubt.

Could he be the man that John Paul deserved?

Craig wasn't too sure about that.

As he sat there, deep into his own thoughts, a couple on his own age came down the street next to the pub. They were holding hands and talking, both laughing and smiling and they obviously weren't able to tear their eyes away from one another.

It was love, _real_ love.

Craig had walked the streets of Hollyoaks hand in hand with several girls. He had also been smiling and laughing and talking. But the love between the couple he now watched was a kind of love he had only experienced with one person. A person that was always there for him, no matter how crappy he acted. A person that still wanted him.

The sun reappeared for what seemed like the first time in months. Inside the pub, Step had put on a CD with Cheryl Crow for some reason and bits of the lyrics reached him:

_I have a face I cannot show_

_I make the rules up as I go_

_Just try to love me if you can_

_Are you strong enough to be my man_

And Craig knew, he _knew,_ that he was an idiot to make a love like the love he and John Paul once had shared, and still shared, go. He remembered the cliché saying _listen to your heart._ Unfortunately, he had given his heart away to his best mate a long time ago. But he still knew what it was shouting at him.

"Hey there, baby brother! Where are you off to?"

Craig had gotten to his feet and suddenly found himself face to face with Jake.

He sighed. It was time to let go. And after taking a deep breath…

"Jake, I'm gay."

**The flat was empty and ****for once ****it didn't suit John Paul.** He needed someone to talk to, someone to distract him. He could even accept Kris' and Jess' nagging. But everyone was gone and he was left with his thoughts about the day before. The sex in the sauna, hot and steamy, had been great, but more an act of lust than of love. Still he _loved _Craig, and it was a love so intense that he didn't remember the time before he had met the guy. Every time John Paul thought he had been able to forget and move on, something happened that just made his love for his best mate stronger. He shook his head in confusion. Craig had been so determined to end things just a week ago. Had he changed his mind or was he just playing games? He felt that old familiar sting in his heart, thinking about the last possibility. How many times could this happen before it broke him down completely?

A knock on the door started him. Could it be…?

And it was.

Craig stood outside, but the sight was nothing like John Paul had expected. First of all he had a swollen eye which broke the lovely harmony in his face. And second, he was holding up a needle.

John Paul just stared for a moment. What was going on?

"What the hell?! Craig, what's happened to you?" he finally managed to ask, moving to let him in.

Craig smiled, but it was clear that his eye hurt. "I'll tell you later," he said. "You have work to do and we really should get started because it'll take some time."

And without another word, he moved down the hall towards John Paul's room. John Paul didn't have a clue what his friend was talking about, but had no choice but follow. Craig was standing in the middle of the room. He handed him the needle.

"Ok… What do I need this for? You want me to sew?"

He was surprised when Craig quickly stripped of his shirt turning his back at him.

"Wooden walls, JP!"

John Paul let out a short start. The back in front of him was flaming red and seemed to be full of wooden splinters. It also looked like it had bled a little. The reason to why Craig's back looked like this became clear to him and he felt his face getting red. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.

"Don't be," Craig stated and John Paul felt his heart jump. "But can you do something about it, at least?"

"I can try. Um… you just lie down on the bed and I'll get something cold."

John Paul couldn't hide a smile when he left the room to get some ice. It really was kind of funny. But he quickly got serious when he entered his room again. Craig was lying on his stomach in his bed, and He placed a package with frozen vegetables on his back to make the flesh a little numb.

"So, what's that eye all about, then?" he asked, climbing the bed and placing one knee on each side of Craig's body.

"Jake," Craig answered.

"What?" John Paul dropped the lighter he was using to sterilize the needle. "Have you two been fighting?"

"Well, let's just say that homophobia goes in the family."

John Paul dropped the lighter again. Did Craig tell him what he thought he was?

"Yeah, JP, I came out. About time, eh?"

"But… I thought- I mean- Weren't you-." John Paul struggled to get the words out right. He then took a deep breath. "I thought you hadn't even come out to yourself yet."

"I'll tell you all about it," Craig reassured him. "But are you starting on that back, or what?"

The room fell silent for a moment. John Paul picked in the cold skin to get out the splinters, accompanied by some small grunts of pain from the boy underneath him. He felt dizzy. Had Craig really come out? How had that happened? Did this mean that he was going to give himself and John Paul a chance?

"I've been thinking a lot during my months in Dublin. It's been crazy - small drops of realizations falling while another part of me tries to cover it up. It's hard to accept that you're not the person you thought you were."

John Paul smiled. Was this really his Craig? "Tell me about it," he mumbled.

He kept on doing his work on Craig's back and asked. "So when did this whole process start?"

"Probably the day I met you," Craig answered.

"What? Really?"

"I don't know. Something just fell in place, you know. I've always been kind of angry. Disappointed. I treated some of my girlfriends like shit. After you came along a lot of the anger disappeared. I felt content and safe for the first time in my life."

John Paul smiled. "And then I ruined everything by coming out, eh?"

"Sort of did, yeah!"

They laughed and John Paul loved it. Craig was here, talking to him, confiding in him and he hoped it would never change. Removing one splinter after another, he felt like he removed some of Craig's anxiety and fear as well. And a tender love warmed his heart, threatening to make him weep.

**Craig didn't know how long he had been lying in the bed, but it was probably a couple of hours.** His back felt sore and his butt was numb because John Paul sat on it while poking with the needle in the attempt of removing the splinters, but he had a deep and content feeling in his heart. He had completely emptied his chest and told his best friend and lover about all the things that had been going on in his mind during the last year.

"That kiss on the school dance really messed with my head," he said, turning slightly so he could spot John Paul in the corner of his eye.

"Do you even remember it?" John Paul laughed.

"Yeah, of course I do. I exaggerated my drunkenness pretty much afterwards to let people think I didn't remember it. Until you met Spike I actually convinced myself I really didn't."

Craig thought about that kiss. They had been drunk, yes. But it had been so innocent, so soft, just a perfect first kiss. And he had felt a swirly feeling in his stomach but then realized what he was doing and ended it, all the same.

"I was wondering afterwards why you were so terrible upset," John Paul said. "I mean, a lot of people have done that and gotten away with blaming the alcohol."

Craig shifted position a little. "The worst thing for me was to realize that I had enjoyed it and that I would like to do it again. And then you chose the next day to come out. That was just great timing!"

They laughed at the memory and it felt good that they had come this far.

John Paul kept picking and Craig kept confiding and slowly the evening turned into night.

"The first time we… You know," Craig said.

"Yeah?"

"That was the most awakening thing that has ever happened to me. It was like 'so this is how it's supposed to be'. Not that I hadn't enjoyed sex before, but that was the first time it felt truly right. Scared the crap out of me, it did."

Craig thought about the moment after they first had sex, when he had screamed _faggot_ in his best friends face and ran out of the house. Neither of them was able to laugh about that yet.

He kept on telling wanting everything out in the open. He told about how he was starting to fall in love, how he was finding himself fantasizing more and more often about what he would like to do with John Paul in bed. He told about his mixed emotions when it came to Sarah. He told about all the fear and anxiety he had felt when he was not with his lover, and how everything felt right when he finally was with him. He talked about the engagement and how he had pictured the future as a gay in the closet having JP on the side. He admitted his selfishness. He admitted his uncertainty.

At last there was only one thing left to tell and admit.

Craig took a deep breath and decided to use the same tactic as he had with Jake earlier that day: _Just get it out._

"John Paul, I slept with a man my first night out in Dublin."

**John Paul stopped his needlework. **

Craig Dean in the arms of another man. The idea sunk in. _His_ Craig kissing another man, shagging another man - pictures flew through his mind. His stomach started bubbling with a weird mixture of jealousy and excitement.

"John Paul, say something." The voice was pleading.

How had it been? Where had they done it? How had they met?

Craig turned a bit in the bed to face him. His swollen eye was starting to get blue.

"John Paul, I'm sorry, ok? It was a stupid result of drunkenness and temporary insanity and it only happened once." The brown haired boy sounded frenetic. His eyes shone with desperation as he continued. "I just want to be completely honest with you, you know? Because I know what I want now, I want _you_, and I don't want to lose you again, and -"

Craig's babbling was interrupted when John Paul placed a finger on his lip.

"I can't say that it enjoys me, Craig," he said calmly. "But you don't owe me an explanation. I haven't exactly lived in celibacy myself." The thought of David gave his heart a little sting of guilt, but he ignored it. "We weren't even together then," John Paul finished.

"Seriously?" Craig looked almost shocked.

"Of course! You really thought I would have a go at you?" John Paul smiled reassuringly to the guy underneath him.

"Well," Craig shrugged, "If it had been the other way around…"

"Yeah, I'm not you, Craig."

"No, thank god. Sometimes I can't stand me." Craig laughed and once again John Paul's heart melted. He leant down, close to that beautiful, smiling face. "Hey, don't talk about my boyfriend like that," he whispered and gently placed a kiss on his lips.

Craig's eyes widened. "So, you want to give it another try?" he said.

John Paul sat up straight again. "You honestly didn't think I was going to say no, did you?"

"I don't know. It's been a strange couple of weeks, both of us signaling first one thing and then another, eh?"

Well, he definitely couldn't argue on that. "Not anymore," he stated, looking deep into the dark brown eyes.

Craig agreed. "Not anymore."

John Paul suddenly remembered the needle in his hand. "Well, turn around then," he said, holding it up. "We still got work to do."

About an hour later, John Paul fetched a bottle of healing ointment from the bathroom. He gently spread it on his boyfriend's now splinter-free but soar and red back. Craig turned in the bed and looked up at him. John Paul looked back. _My God, he's gorgeous_

"All right if I spend the night?" the beauty asked, smiling.

"I wouldn't allow you to go," John Paul answered, kneeling beside the bed.

Another minute passed by while they just looked into each other's eyes. He then grabbed Craig's hand tightly. "It won't be all roses and butterflies, you know," he told him. "It won't be easy."

"I know," Craig said, having obviously made peace with the thought.

Not another word was said. They quickly took off their clothes and crept naked under the covers.


	7. Chapter 7

**Okay that's it for now, but I would really like to write another ****fic****. Again: thanks for reviews and support. **

**xxx**

**John Paul McQueen was standing in the shower.** The hot water covered his body and the bathroom was filled with steam. What made him so warm and hot though was neither water nor steam but the hands of Craig Dean on his hips together with his slow and steady thrusts.

So far it had been a great day. John Paul had woken up with a sleeping Craig snuggled against him, and he had just laid there, watching the other boy's slow breathing and those long dark lashes, resting on his cheeks. He had never felt so close to anyone before, not even all those months ago when he had been in a secret relationship with the very same guy. Craig had opened up to him; he had allowed John Paul entrance in his thoughts and fears for the first time in a really long time. Having Craig in his bed and arms again, made John Paul's heart ache with happiness, but the thought of having his best mate back again as well thrilled him just as much. They could be both. Lovers and best friends. He had stroked Craig's perfect lips with the tip of his finger, causing his awakening. Forgetting all about morning breath and tiredness they had made out for a while before sneaking into the bathroom. It was early in the morning and none of John Paul's flat mates were up yet, luckily. He wished for his new boyfriend to enjoy their own little world for a bit longer, before having to answer all kinds of questions and prejudices.

They made love in the shower, slow and passionate before stepping out and drying each other with John Paul's towel. He stepped behind Craig, placed his arms around his waist and together they stood there and watched themselves in the mirror.

Craig's dark brown eyes were sparkling and he smiled that beautiful smile of his. He really looked genuine happy.

"Spike was right, you know."

"About what?" John Paul asked puzzled.

"You're cute and we _do_ make a nice couple."

John Paul watched their reflection. One dark and one blonde guy were looking back at him, both grinning happily. "We do, don't we?" he mumbled in amazement. He wasn't used to see himself with Craig this way - it had all been a secret before and even when they were alone like now been covered in a thin veil of shame. Today was different. They were both glowing.

A hard knock on the bathroom door gave them both a start. They could hear the tired and grumpy voice of Darren.

"Hey, McQueen! I know it's you in there. Are you ringing your bells again? Please don't."

John Paul rolled his eyes and cursed inside. "Sorry," he whispered, stroking Craig's arm.

He was surprised to receive a soft kiss, before Craig tied a towel around his waist and opened the door.

"John Paul's not ringing his bells, I am," he stated in front of a shocked Darren.

Darren wasn't the only one who was shocked. John Paul couldn't believe what he was hearing. Craig turned to him and gave him a shining white smile. "Don't look so shocked, John Paul. I'm done pretending. And this time I mean it."

Then he grabbed John Paul's hand and they both went to his bedroom.

**Craig Dean was sitting in the kitchen in John Paul's flat, having his breakfast together with his**** new**** boyfriend.** He felt so light, like a big burden had been lifted of him. For the first time in his life he could really breathe. He looked at John Paul sitting next to him, sipping his coffee. He really was beautiful, Craig thought. He had never seen him more beautiful than this morning. And he finally felt proud that this boy wanted to be with him.

John Paul had noticed his gaze and turned to look at him. Craig couldn't help but award him with a kiss.

Darren came out from the bathroom. "Oh please, you two! Take it elsewhere!"

Craig felt amused by his stepbrother's changing personality. "How many times have I watched you make out with your bird while trying to have my breakfast Darren?" he asked.

"Well, it's hardly the same thing, is it?"

_This is only the beginning,_ he thought, and John Paul put his arm around his shoulders, making him feel safer.

"Let's quit the homophobia Darren, eh?" John Paul demanded. Then he chuckled and said: "Craig's told me everything, and if you don't shut up I will tell everyone what a big softy you really are."

Darren watched them both for a little while. "Deal," he said, and Craig laughed.

The other residents started to wake up and Jess and Kris came into the kitchen. Jess gasped by the sight of the two of them.

Kris raised an eyebrow. "Oh my, what have we here, then?"

John Paul removed his arm. "Hey, everyone, don't make such a big deal, okay?"

The fact that he wished to spare him for discomfort, made Craig love him even more. But it was time to take charge. It was time to be what John Paul deserved. He took his boyfriend's arm and put it back where it had been seconds earlier. "Why not?" he said, meeting John Paul's stunned eyes. "I finally came around. Everyone should make a big deal." And he leant in and gave the blonde boy another kiss.

"Awww!" Jess squealed. "I'm so happy for you two!" And she ran around the table and hugged them both.

"Always knew," Kris simply stated, pouring himself a cup of coffee.

"Yeah right!" Craig said. No one had known before he did, had they?

John Paul whispered in his ear: "Jacqui said the same thing when I came out. Some people have better gaydars than other, I'm afraid."

Craig felt a bit uneasy about this fact but John Paul's smile calmed him down. He gripped his hand, knowing that it was time to let go, time to be who he really was.

**It was cold outside and they were both freezing to death as they made their way to the centre of the village.** John Paul kept an eye on Craig who walked next to him. He looked worried and slightly frightened. The confidence he had showed back at the flat had faded a little and he had his hands buried deep in his pockets. John Paul couldn't help but wonder if he kept them there as an excuse not to hold his hand. He felt something heavy surrounding his heart, but told himself to be patient. The most important thing was to not let Craig disappear into his own little scary world.

"Hey you," John Paul said, when he thought the silence had lasted long enough. He grabbed Craig's arm and they stopped walking. It pleased John Paul that his boyfriend for once didn't cast worried glances around to see of anyone was watching them. But his brown eyes were still troubled. John Paul wanted to touch him, cup his face and kiss him, comfort him in a way, but on the other side he knew that he had to make the pressure as easy on Craig as possible. So instead he stepped a little closer to his boyfriend, still not touching him, and looked deep into his eyes trying to let all of the love he felt shine through them. "We don't have to do this yet, Craig. We can wait until you're completely ready. I'm not going to demand a kiss from you and I'm not going anywhere. I won't allow any of us to mess up this time."

Craig looked at him, tenderness shining through his eyes. Then he just held out a hand, John Paul grabbed it and they walked on. None of them had said it but they both knew where they were going; the Dog in the Pond.

John Paul's spirit rose feeling the warmth of Craig's hand in his. They got to the pub and paused for a moment outside. "This is not going to be pretty," Craig said, turning to look at him. "But remember that I love you." And John Paul didn't get to answer that he loved him too, before the other boy had opened the door and still holding his hand, guided him towards the desk.

Frankie and Jack were standing behind it, talking silently. Except for a couple of middle-aged women, the place was empty. They spotted the pair of boys coming towards them.

"My God, Craigy, what's happened to your face?" Frankie asked, looking at the bruises in her youngest son's face. Then she noticed their united hands and her expression cooled. "What's going on?"

"Did any of you know?"

John Paul was the only one who understood Craig's question. Both Jack and Frankie looked puzzled.

"Knew what, love?"

John Paul noticed that Craig swallowed nervously and squeezed his hand comfortingly.

"That I was gay."

Frankie's eyes widened. "But… Craig! I thought… I mean…"

Her husband interrupted her babbling. "Let's take this upstairs," he said calmly and then asked a young guy called Brad to cover behind the bar.

Silence fell as the four of them made their way upstairs. Craig still hadn't let go of John Paul's hand and when they entered the living room they sat next to each other in the sofa. Frankie and Jack remained standing.

"You still haven't answered my question," Craig said. "Did you know?"

His mother shuddered, crossed her arms and gave him a strict look. "You're not gay."

"I am!" Craig yelled. "I am, okay? I'm sorry mum, but your little baby boy fancies other boys. That's just the way it is." He was starting to sound desperate. "Now, for the last time, did any of you know?"

Craig's parents exchanged a worried look. Frankie's eyes were filled with tears.

"We've talked about it, Craig," Jack said. "But of course we didn't know. How could we, when you didn't know, yourself?"

John Paul felt relieved that Craig's stepfather hadn't jumped into the same denial as his mother had. But then again, Jack had always been a nice and open minded man. But it didn't seem that either his boyfriend or Frankie had heard him. The two of them were staring at each other in a silent war. Then a whisper came from Craig. "You _knew! _You knew mum!"

The woman looked away, wiping away some tears. "Of course I didn't," she mumbled.

John Paul was surprised at this sudden change in her.

"You know," Craig said, letting go of the hand he was holding and placing an arm around John Paul's shoulders instead. "I always wondered why you didn't go nuts when Sarah told you we were engaged. It surprised me. But that's it, isn't it? You were relieved!"

Frankie's shoulders dropped a bit and it looked like she finally gave in. "Of course I was relieved! Of course I was! No mother wants her child to be gay. Did I _know_, Craig? No, I didn't. Did I _suspect?_ Yes. I carried you inside me for nine months, for God's sake - call it mother's intuition. And when you got engaged to a beautiful girl like Sarah Barnes is, then I thought, _yes, maybe I'm wrong!_ But I would probably have accepted any engagement to any girl. Because this - " She pointed at the two boys sitting on the sofa. "_This_ is not something I want."

**Craig felt blown away by his mother's sudden outburst.** It was a lot of information, a lot of hurtful information.

_No mother wants her child to be gay. This is not something I want._ The words echoed through his mind. Frankie was sobbing on Jack's shoulder, obviously shocked by her own admissions. My God, it seemed like no matter what he did, he always managed to mess up. He was such a failure.

Then he felt John Paul's hand on his cheek, turning Craig to face him. Looking into those blue eyes, Craig found new strength.

"I'm sorry, mum," he started, looking at the crying woman.

Then he changed his mind. "Or actually, I'm not. I'm not sorry at all. I'm not going to apologize for who I am, and I'm sick of feeling ashamed. I'm sick of feeling like a stray. You don't want this? That's unfortunate, but it's not about you, mum. This is what _I_ want." He took a deep breath after all these words. And getting lost in the blue eyes of John Paul once again, he said: "This is where I belong."

Jack was patting Frankie's arm comfortingly. "I said to you before son; to me you're still Craig. That goes for your mother too, even though she's a bit slow." He looked at his wife. "Come on now, Frankie. He's your _son._ Didn't you carry him for nine months? Don't you want him to be happy?"

Craig saw his mother looking into her husband's eyes, before turning and facing them. Her eyes were red and swollen.

"I can't say that I'm pleased, Craig. It will take some time. But if your future is with him," she gave John Paul a short look, "then that's just the way it is. I won't stand in your way."

It wasn't perfect, but it was a start, Craig thought. At least both he and his mother were finished denying. And looking into her eyes, he felt sure that she would get there someday.

"Now love, please get out. I need some time alone."

Craig arose together with John Paul and without another word started walking towards the door.

"By the way, Craig?" his mother called after him. He turned. "Are you staying with _him_? I mean…" She closed her eyes. "Are you staying with John Paul?"

That was all he needed. He strode across the living room and gave her a huge hug. "I'm so sorry," he heard her whisper in his ear. They broke apart. "Pop by in a couple of days, yeah?" she said, wiping another tear. Then she looked over Craig's shoulder and for the first time that day met John Paul's blue gaze. "Both of you."

He turned to his boyfriend, with a huge grin on his face. And the blonde beauty smiled back.

They left the flat, but paused in the stairs at the same spot where they had had their huge argument that night when John Paul found out about the engagement. It seemed like it was ages ago.

"Can you believe it?" John Paul asked puzzled, and he looked so gorgeous that Craig couldn't help but press him against the wall and kiss him deeply.

"No," he answered when they resurfaced.

As they stepped into the pub, Craig spotted Jake sitting at one of the tables together with Nancy. He felt the joy of having his mother's sort of acceptance fade away, anger replacing it. His elder brother had punched him in the face when he had come out. Punched him! _What's wrong with us Deans?_ Craig thought.

"Let's just go," John Paul said quietly behind him. "We can deal with him later. You've been through enough for today."

"Relax! I'm not going to start a fight," Craig snapped.

"Well, you're sort of crushing my hand, so I can tell you're angry," John Paul said and forced Craig to look at him. "Craig, I'm sorry to be the one who tells you but you don't handle anger particularly well."

Craig couldn't help but laugh. "Sorry," he said and let go of the hand he was holding. John Paul massaged it with a faked grumpy look upon his face, and Craig thought he was so dam cute. That was one of the things he had always loved about his best mate - his calmness and ability to calm the explosive Dean-temperament (unless he was angry as well, of course).

Jake had spotted them and was making his way over at that very moment ignoring Nancy's attempt to stop him. He looked furious, and without warning threw himself on John Paul.

"_YOU!"_ he snarled. "You've been messing with his head again, haven't you? Dam it McQueer, I'm gonna -"

Craig had frozen for a moment but came to his senses and pulled his brother away from his boyfriend. "What the hell are you doing, Jake?!" he yelled and stepped between the two men, sheltering John Paul from the angry man.

"Don't you understand, Craig? Eh? Don't you understand what he's doing to you?"

"He's not doing anything to me, Jake, that I don't want him to do!" Craig felt his anger glowing but felt better when John Paul put a hand on his shoulder.

"Don't you even say that! Have you got any idea how sick that sounds, how sick it makes people?" Jake was clenching his teeth in anger, a habit Craig knew ran in the family.

John Paul stepped forward. "_You, _Jake, not everyone," he corrected him.

The elder man stepped closer. "You stay out of this McQueer, or else I'll floor you."

There wasn't a shadow of a doubt in Craig's mind about fighting his brother if he had to. The last days' gained bravery increased and he reached out an arm and shoved John Paul behind him. "Don't you dare talk to my boyfriend like that," he whispered, clenching his teeth the way his brother did.

As in slow motion he saw Jake lift his fist and got ready for the inevitable punch.

But it didn't come. To his surprise, he saw Nancy who had grabbed her boyfriend's arm from behind, stopping the violence. Then she stepped in front of him, separating him from his younger brother. Craig looked over his shoulder and looked at John Paul who seemed equally surprised.

"Leave it, Jake," Nancy said, calmly.

Jake's fist dropped and he looked shocked by what he nearly had done. "So, he's gay," she continued. "I don't know why you're so surprised - he was caught in bed with his mate several months ago!"

Then she turned to Craig. "I heard you were back in town. I haven't come to see you because I still haven't forgiven you for what you did to my best friend."

If it wasn't for the fact that Craig had spend most of his life feeling guilty, he would probably have felt that same old sting now. He looked into Nancy's dark eyes.

"Nance…"

But John Paul interrupted him. "Nancy, we're together now. I never gave him up and I think you knew that. Please try to get over it - I'm calling Sarah tomorrow and I'm gonna tell her everything. And you know what? I think she will be okay with it." Craig felt relief wash over him and grabbed his hand again. He looked at Nancy, pleadingly. She was the only one who could probably get through to his homophobic brother and he really wanted her friendship back.

Nancy looked back uncertainly and bit her lower lip. Then she shrugged.

"Well, if she is, then I guess the least I can do is to try to do the same thing. But I never got used to the idea of you two."

Craig looked at John Paul again and saw his own relief reflected in the other boy's face. "You better get used to it, Nancy. I'm not letting him go again." And John Paul looked back at him, his eyes a little blank.

Nancy looked at the two of them in astonishment. "I never knew," she said, "that Craig Dean was such a romantic!"

They laughed a little. Craig couldn't believe it. Half a year earlier he thought he would never be able to laugh together with Nancy and John Paul again. Then the three of them got serious and looked at Jake who had watched the scene with an uneasy look upon his face.

"Jake?" Craig said, hearing the begging tone in his own voice. He really needed his older brother's support.

"Dam it!" Jake rubbed the back of his head. "I really managed to convince myself that this was just an weird phase. And now I have to adjust one more time."

Craig still looked at him, urging him to continue and he sighed.

"I'm not happy having a gay brother, Craig. It would be a lie to tell you otherwise. And I'll never understand it. But I'll try," and he met Nancy's strict look, "to accept it."

**John Paul was surprised.** He and Craig sat at a table together with Jake and Nancy, having a drink and a good mood dominated the place. He looked down and saw Craig's hand rested upon his own.

Then he looked at Craig's face and saw his brown eyes sparkling as he laughed with Jake and Nancy.

_Okay, God - if you exist I guess you don't hate me that much after all,_ he thought.

The brown haired man sitting next to him finished his lager and yawned. "Very well," he said, stretching. "Take me home, JP. This coming out-thing really steals energy from you."

"No details!" Jake almost squealed, looking uncomfortable. Nancy rolled her eyes and John Paul laughed. They had mostly avoided the gay issue for the rest of the evening but he guessed it had been some kind of strain for the elder homophobic man to watch their hands for the last hour.

"Relax big brother! I won't risk another punch you know," Craig said.

Jake looked a little ashamed and mumbled that he _had said_ he was sorry.

Craig just laughed and John Paul almost found it hard to recognize this happy and forgiving young man. He looked at him in adoration. They got up, said their goodbyes and left the pub. Nancy gave them a smiling wave from the window.

In spite of Frankie's disapproval, Craig skipped another week of classes and stayed in Hollyoaks. Three of the days were spend in John Paul's flat, mostly in the bedroom. One day, John Paul picked up his cell and phoned London. He told Sarah everything ("No more secrets about Craig Dean, remember?") who simply said it was about time. She even exchanged a couple of words with her ex-fiancé over the phone. John Paul could tell by the look on Craig's face that it wasn't exactly a pleasant conversation but the little smile on his face afterwards said that it was a start, at least. One night was spent at the McQueen household where from Craig left sweating after Jacqui's and Mercedes' threats about what they would do to a certain part of him if he hurt their brother again ("Rip it off and staple it to your for head, have we made ourselves clear?") The next evening were spent at the Dog, John Paul feeling relieved that Craig's family finally looked him in the eye with something else than disgust and anger. On the last day before Craig's departure they had a picnic in the park, just the two of them. His boyfriend still hadn't kissed him in public, but it didn't bother John Paul. Craig had proved that he wasn't ashamed a hundred times that week, and the touching and passionate looks told everyone that they were more than just friends.

All too fast the last day came and John Paul, Jake and Nancy followed the young Dean to the airport. Jake had really surprised during the week, but still looked uncomfortable at times, like now, on the airport saying goodbye.

"I'm gonna miss you so much," Craig said to John Paul, grabbing his hand and looking deep into his eyes.

"You just try to catch up your studies," John Paul said reassuringly. "I'll come and visit you in two weeks from now."

"Too bloody long," Craig laughed nervously. "I wish you could come with me."

John Paul placed his hand on his boyfriend's cheek and a part of him still wasn't used to the fact that Craig didn't shake it off. "I know," he said. "But we agreed not to rush anything this time, right? I have to finish in HCC and you have to finish in Trinity. We have all the time in the world."

Craig's brown eyes were filled with tears. "I love you," he whispered. "Thanks for sticking with me."

John Paul smiled, remembering the last time those words were spoken. He would stick for sure this time. "It was my pleasure. I love you too."

A quiet cough from Jake broke the moment and signaled that it was time to board the plane. Craig sighed, before lifting John Paul's hand and kissing his palm. "I'll call you when I get there," he said, smiling sadly. Then he let go of the hand and John Paul missed him all ready. After hugging his brother and Nancy he gave his passport and ticket to the blonde lady standing by the gate and with a last wave and smile, Craig Dean disappeared around the corner.

John Paul stared after him for a while, thinking about the eternity fourteen days really was.

"Come on," Nancy said, touching his shoulder. "You'll see him again before you know it." John Paul gave her a smile and the two of them together with Jake started making their way to the parking lot.

They hadn't gotten very far when John Paul heard his name being called from behind.

"JP! John! JOHN PAUL!"

He turned and saw Craig coming running towards him.

And for the very first time it happened.

Craig kissed him, in front of Jake, in front of Nancy, in front of everything.

It was all good now.

**EPILOGUE **

"And now the couple has prepared something they want to say to each other. John Paul, you may go first."

"Craig Dean, I'm sure I started loving you the very first time I saw you, even though I didn't know it then. The last four years, from that very first day we met and till today, have been dramatic but the best in my life so far and I only love you more and more with each passing second. Because I know that you're the only one for me. I've heard speeches like this before and I always thought they sounded like some sentimental bull. But then we became lovers and I discovered that most of the things people have said about love are true. It conquers all, it can move mountains, it hurts, it's what keeps us alive, and it makes us both dumber and wiser. It's been a bumpy ride, almost unbearable sometimes, but every day when I come home from work, and I hear noises from the kitchen and I know that you're there, my man, waiting for me, I know it was worth it. I gave my heart to you a long time ago and I'm never going to demand it back. I'm yours. I love you."

"Craig?"

"John Paul McQueen, you once told me I had changed your life irreversibly. Well, your life's not the only one that's changed. Back when I first met you, I was a troubled, angry and confused little kid, fumbling in the dark. And you picked me up. Later when I discovered my love for you, I became even more troubled, angry and confused. And you didn't put me down. I thought I would rather die than being gay. It was almost too late when I discovered that I would rather die than live without you. And you never gave up on me. In you I found a best friend, a soul mate and a lover. We exchanged hearts a long time ago, John Paul, and every day I'm amazed by you, I'm enchanted by your light, the light that showed me the way. I wake up in the morning and I see your face and I almost can't breathe because I'm so happy and I think that _this man, this wonderful man, picked me, he loves me_ and having you by my side for the rest of my life is the greatest blessings of all. I will stay with you, now and forever, through ups and downs. I love you."

"And with this, I declare this partnership legal."


End file.
